Single 101: Part 3

Part 3

You know I have kids, right?

You might have kids or not have kids. For some of us: this is our season of life right now.  In the last two years, I know 5 moms who have all gotten divorced.  Many of us are starting over in the career world, and the dating world.  With kids.  My kids are not my identity but, um duh, a very huge part of my life.  

I will continue to put their needs 1st before my dating life. 

You need to continue to put your kids first.  My main advice: don’t rely on a new relationship to help you be a better parent. Many people rush into a relationship to make single parenting life easier.  I am sorry but do you want a wife or husband or do you need a nanny?  

You need to be a confident parent on your own before you bring someone new into your life.  

Again, see part 1 and part two. If any of those areas need some work, then maybe dating should wait.  How will you know if the new person will mesh well with your children’s hearts and personality; without knowing if you can be friends first with that person? How can you say you want this person around your kids without knowing if God is in their life?  Do you know if they are financially stable? Do you if you are financially stable? 

Again, you will not notice red flags if you aren’t confident on your own.

I have two kids and want a partner not another child.  I want a partner.  However, having a partner will never come before my kids.  

You already have an existing tribe that you oversee the care of and adding a tribe member is serious.  Yep, you heard me, a tribe. At my house, we have a sign that says: “Our Tribe. Establish 2015. ” Our tribe is exclusive.  My kids have been hurt.  I have been hurt.  Our tribe is re-establishing.  I won’t rush them or myself.  I won’t be selfish and someone go the tribe that will or could possibly hurt us more or cause chaos.  I know that whoever God brings to this tribe will be patient, will not push, and have lots of respect. 

Don’t bring people in without knowing that they have a lasting place in the tribe.  Everyone who is in the tribe has needs that are different.  Right now if all the needs aren’t being met then how can you bring in another?  

The relationship between you and the person your dating should be solid before bringing them to the tribe.  I hope in your new relationship, you can recognize if someone is forcing a relationship on your child or children.  Raise your hand if you have seen another person join a tribe too soon or before the new tribe had re-established itself.   Didn’t it make life 10x harder than it needed to be?  Did it take years to fix?   Did heal or hurt?   If they are overly eager to be in their life or moving too fast; you should be protecting your kids hearts and minds from that craziness.  

Your children are the most important thing.  That is your legacy.  This is your 1st priority.  You will know when the time is right if you are confident in yourself, seeking God for direction and have a solid tribe before you introduce someone new to it.
Again, this is my thoughts.  Things I 100% believe in.  My story is still being written but I won’t settle.  I will protect my tribe.  I am raising a queen and king.  I am getting my shit together.  I won’t apologize for that. 
❤KGB 
 

Single 101: Part Two

Part 2

More thoughts and wisdom on being single. 


Sugar Daddy or Momma?

That is funny but let’s be honest.

You should not be with someone because of money.  Money runs out or can go away.  My advice: You should be supporting yourself.  Are you standing on your own two feet?  If they have money or you have money great, but if you are looking for a person with money then you are looking for love to feel a need.  You have clearly missed #1 and #2 (see Part One).  

Money is not the answer to life’s problems.


I wonder if whoever said that had ever been without, but reality is, this statement is true. I would rather know that if anything happens I will still be okay, then one day be out and wonder now what the hell am I going to do.   Oh! Wait I have been there.  I didn’t marry for money. I loved him despite of no money but I did get in a situation that I could not support myself; stupid me.   If you can’t 100% say you are independent then I would say it is time to get there and another reason to be single. 

Where is God in your life?

I need God.  I daily need him.  That means you need him too.  Do you pray? Do you attend church?  Do you worship God and listen to his prompts?  I want to not hear that you do this.  I want to see your life reflect Christ.  I know that no relationship or marriage will sustain without God.  How can I be prepared for a relationship or be ready for a relationship if I don’t daily go to my creator and get poured into.  

How can you be?  

I can’t love another fully if I can’t see through the right lenses.  Grace. Love. Mercy. Self-Control. Patience.  A sound mind.  My heart can’t validate anyone else’s heart, and my heart can only get validation from God.  I don’t want someone draining me every day because they are seeking from the world and seeking God through me.   God must be present in your life.

Are we friends?

Why rush into a dating relationship?  Can you be friends first?  I think this is important.  It is also proven that lasting relationships happen when there was a friendship first and love grew from that.   It seems like it is all or nothing with some men/woman.  

Why is that?

I want someone I know well.  Can I name your mom or sister?  Do we have some crazy story we share?  I know some people think a friendship is just like dating.  Friendships no matter what the outcome you are trying to achieve can look like dating.   However; you will know the difference.  I don’t kiss my friends.  I don’t hold their hands.  There is a level on which some things are going to be saved for a relationship status.  

I once met a great guy.  We were friends, at least, in my mind. I told him from the beginning: I just need to start slow and be friends.  I am not ready to date.  It was fine with him; until he started dating another.   Then my so-called friend no longer called or text.   I know some people think you can’t be friends with another of the opposite sex.  I completely disagree.   

I can assume the worse in this guy or the new girl in his life, but I prefer to think it was just God.  Slow down when you meet someone.  Don’t look to define the relationship right away.  Just be friends.  Have coffee, get to know each other, and let time tell you if this friendship should be more. Let friendship turn into dates! 

So are you self supported? Are you looking for a Godly man?  Are you trying to jump into a relationship or are you trying to be friends first.  

These are important goals to have set in your life before moving into a relationship.  

Stay tune for part 3! ❤ KGB 

Single 101: What You Need to Know

Part One

Several serious relationships.  1 Marriage.  1 divorce.  2 Years of being single.  Knowing many married women. Many more single women.  I have learned a lot.  I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else.  My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.

Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?


There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever.  She would love whoever came into her life.  She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave.  The process would start all over.  She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life.  At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy.  Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little.  Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence.  Having a person is a want not a need.  I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl.  I needed another because my heart had holes.  I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man.  I needed my soul to be validated.  I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy.  I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.  

Well ladies, a man cannot do that.   

Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you?  Date yourself.  Know yourself. Care for yourself.  Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.

Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)

Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog.  After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term.   How do you know it if you are settling?  Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone?  Or are your expectations too high or too low?  How do you know if you are being realistic?  How do recognize a red flag?  When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through?  I mean come on relationships are work.  You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.

All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together.  Know yourself.  Your identity should not be wrapped up in another.  You should know what you want in your own life.  Again: You should love yourself.  How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you?  Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.  

If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling.  If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face.  You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.

Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.

Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did.  Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself.  He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death!  Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill.  Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this.  Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himselfHe could love himself and others because he loved his fatherHe knew his identity was in God.  So go back to thought 1:  He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.

Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone.  Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways.  However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own.   Equal.  Partners.  Building each other up.

So let that all sink in.  Where are you in this journey?  Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too.  Don’t fret.  Seek God during this time.  Pick up a new hobby.  Meet some new friends.  Try a new church.  Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are.  You are not alone! You are loved.  You are seen, heard, and valuable.  Don’t give in to those thoughts.  Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own. 

Come back tomorrow for part two!  Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB 

Wave After Wave

Photo credit: onebigphoto.com

Dreams of myself on a beach when the evening waves come in is happening nightly.

Seems so peaceful and beautiful.

One wave hits. Then another.  Then another.  Each time getting more forceful.  The sun is setting and darkness is taking over the light dancing on the ocean. 

The force of the waves are strong.  So strong.  Each wave is causing me to stumble.  Each little stumble makes me mind race.  My heart gets a little nervous.  Each wave brings a little uncertainty.  Each wave brings a touch of fear that I am going to get knocked down.

I know how to swim but am I strong enough?  I know how to get back up but will I be able to this time?  How far would that current take me out?  

The waves are no longer refreshing.  They are higher with each hit.  No longer peaceful.

Panic starts to ruin this dream.

But I am frozen.  I don’t move.  I just stand.  I don’t wake up.  I am not sure I want to wake up.  

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10 sings from somewhere in my heart. It gives me courage to not run away. My soul fights to stay a sleep.  It knows something I don’t.  

Each wave is starting to feel like a test.  Each wave is testing my strength.  Testing my trust.  Testing my faith. Each wave starts representing my life.  Joy upon joy.   Sorrow upon sorrow.  Grace up one grace. Hurt upon hurt.   Forgiveness upon forgiveness.  Test upon test.

Happiness upon happiness wave is nowhere to be seen. The tears start to flow.  Even in a dream they are hot and very real.

He is my peace. Ephesians 2:14

Her sins which are many are all forgiven. Luke 7:47

God is with her and she will not fail. Psalm 46:5

The Lord is my bravery and strength.  He will walk me through hard times.  Habakkuk 3:19

These verses are sweetly being declared over my heart, my mind….my body.    My mind screams and my heart aches.  I want to fall to my knees but my knees refuse to bend.  The verses keep coming.  I keep hearing the singing.  My soul keeps me standing.  Drinking in the water from the verses. 

Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us.  Romans 8:37

With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies.  Psalm 60:12

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

My heart starts to cry out.  But God, look at this, look at that, what about that, did you hear that?  The brain chimes in with stupid who, what, when, and where.  The pain. The memories. The evil that is being done and things being said.  The lies.  The hate.  The shame.  How can you keep allowing this to continue.  Who is fighting for me? Who will fight for me? My soul is full.  My soul remains confident.

Your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭20:4‬ ‭

But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. 2 Tim. 4:17

He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Psalm  103:10

Somewhere in all of this the waves stop.  The verses stop.  The singing over me quiets.  The tears keep coming.  I drop on my knees, exhausted, weary, humbled, and wanting to forget.  

When a simple whisper in my ear keeps me from going there.

Trust in the Lord. He will provide new strength. Isaiah 40:31

This time my soul was screaming it.

 The waves start coming again.  I stand.  Confident.  Stronger.  Believing in the possible.  

Faith even as small as a mustard seed taking over.  This feeling brings a smile. I’ll let my soul lead when I wake up.

❤KGB 



Reflection 


I see you looking at me.
Looking straight into my eyes even when I won’t return the gaze.  I see you looking deep into them.  Seeing past the hurt and seeing the potential. Seeing the sweet beauty that is fully awakened but can’t come alive; being held hostage by bitterness, fear and mistrust. 
You see the amazing things I have done and can still do.  
I see you looking past my harsh tones when I speak.  Past my disgruntle body language.  

You look and see me as a brave strong woman with no flaws… a woman with only grace and love. 

You see my smile even when I won’t smile.  I don’t  ever want to smile.   You  see it there loud and clear hidden behind lack of confidence and loud insecurities.  Someone always looking for validation.

I see you looking at the scars and stretch marks.  Wanting for others to only see the stories behind them all. You don’t find them ugly like I do.  You see them as lovely reminders.  You see the journey.  You see the body struggles as daily reminders of victory. 

You see the permanent ink on my body.  Warrior. Beloved. So it goes.  They mean so much to me and strangely they means as much to you. 

 You hear the  lion roaring.  You see the pink flamingo standing on one leg with such poise and balance that only a few can master.  The self taught self control. 

You look past my tears and the wounds and see me.  You hear me.  You value me.  

I see you smile and refusing to believe the mess.  Refusing to see me as anything less then beautiful. 

Oh mirror on the wall.  That true self reflection is overwhelming. 

Oh Little Tree

Oh little tree.  I took your picture two years ago.  I saw your strength and beauty.  I was so drawn to you.  I wanted to be just like you.


Oh little tree.  I passed you today.  I turned around and parked.  Gotta out of the car and stood there.  

I could not take your picture.  

You still stood.  You still stood.

All alone. 

Looking worse then you did two years ago. 

Looking worse. Oh my heart wept. I wanted to see you big and tall.  I wanted to see the victory! I wanted to stand in your shade. 

You had one branch with green leaves.  One branch. You couldn’t provide any shade to anyone.  Not even a bird. 

I wish I had taken your picture.  I just couldn’t.  It didn’t give me much hope. 

Instead I wept. 

It was indeed a much hotter year. I should be surprised you were still even trying to bloom.

The water was much more scarce this year. I should be surprised you had any green at all. 

Oh trust me little tree I know. Digging your roots deeper for more water source can be hard.  Sometimes just taking enough water to survive is all we can do.  

We know where to get the water but something holds us back.  Shame? Exhaustion? Anger? Fear? 

Oh little tree-I get it. But guess what? I still stand, too.

After two years of being whipped around.  Looking a little beat up. After being burned multiple times.   I am still blooming even if it is just a little bit.

I  choosing to stand alone. 

In victory.  Fighting for life.
Blooming alone. 

I don’t see any  new growth  in my life either.  Life this year looks more like death was trying to take over.  Sometimes death takes place for new growth though little tree.  Hold on little tree.  

Death will not win.  Will it little tree? 

Just like you,  I stand.  I stand with one small branch of green. One branch of green.  Still alive.  Fighting. 

My heart is still green.  My heart is the one branch connected to the true water source. My heart is green because of hope and truth! 

We may look worse. We may not be taller.  Or have new branches or new leaves. We may not be able to provide more shade for others to enjoy. It is just not that season. It is not our time. Yet… But some day it will be . 

Oh little tree.  You are stronger and more beautiful because you still stand.  Even when it seemed all was loss you didn’t give up. 

You make me realize my own strength. 

I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Still deciding to do the impossible. Just like you I am having a year.  A year of  standing and digging the roots deeper into the ground. Deeper into the one true source of life! 

Stronger in the midst of a hard season. 

I am stronger and more beautiful, too.  

Oh little tree I will take your picture next year. 

34 and I am okay


Today- I am 34.  

Sigh. Happy Birthday to me. No really happy! 34 and I am going to be happy.  I know He has promised me this. 

Recently I watched Last Holiday.  Again, for the 5th time. Have you seen it?! The movie has Queen Latifah in it and is a very sweet cute movie.  

This time though I heard some movie lines that got stuck in my heart. Words were said that a normal person watching the movie would just laugh at it and move on but no not me.  There were quotes that days later my mind wanted to explore. So here they are! 

1.  “The cost of a median cranial debulking surgery is around $340,000. That’s without anesthesia. You’ll want that.”

Insert big chuckle here! 
So again I know this is a movie.  But here is what the next few days looked like when dissecting this quote. 

Lately with all the stress, pressure, wounds,  and hurts…. My brain feels like I have a tumor.  I feel like I am receiving one of these surgeries without anesthesia; which according to the movie; I really want that.  

Something about this line.  I chuckled during the movie but a little whisper said hold on to that.  So I did. 

I googled median cranial debulking and this is what came up:

Debulking[1] is the surgical removal[2] of part of a malignant tumour which cannot be completely excised, so as to enhance the effectiveness of radiation or chemotherapy. Blah,blah, blah 

And then it says this: 

It is usually a long and often complicated procedure taking several hours or more to perform, depending on internal involvement and location.



No joke! Long and complicated? Internal involvement and location?  My heart and mind is being squeezed by tumors and surgery needs to take place to enhance chemo or radiation.  Has the surgery begun already without anesthesia!?!? And if so can I opt now for that anesthesia? Ummm but more importantly and excuse me, but God, what are these tumors that you speak of!!


It’s not a tumor! 

Whew.  So before I freak any of you out.  I don’t really have a real life tumor.

God sweetly spoke to me about guilt being a tumor here and shame being a tumor over there and !oh look! A great big failure tumor is taking up the whole front section!   

He began showing me lies upon lies that were just like real tumors in my brain. He asked me to write them down.   I wasn’t that shocked by the list. I did try to argue with him and say will this freedom class took care of that and that heartquest zapped that right out of me!  However, you know how well that argument went. Those tumors were added to the list.

God quickly said oh baby girl those “chemo” sessions worked but these tumors are back.  This time we are debulking and without anesthesia! Gulp! 

But God!!!! What about anesthesia?  Cause this sounds painful, sounds scary and I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I want to be numb, knocked out and not feeling a thing! 

What do you think He said?  You can’t afford it. You can’t go through all this numb.  You want it but you don’t need it. 

Where there is pain there is growth.  I can’t afford to miss that. 

2.”You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”

No more hustle.  It is the trend right now, isn’t it?! All the funny hustle shirts and quotes.

Do y’all even know what Hustle means? Yeah it sound great but do you know what it means? Well here you go:

move hurriedly or unceremoniously in a specified direction.

“they hustled him into the back of a horse-drawn wagon”

obtain by forceful action or persuasion.

“the brothers headed to New York to try and hustle a record deal”

busy movement and activity.

“the hustle and bustle of the big cities”

a fraud or swindle.

No more.  I will no longer hustle. I won’t be a grad.  I won’t keep up.  I won’t stay busy.  I want to sit. I want to be still.   I will no longer hustle to prove I deserve to be chosen or  I will no longer hustle for others to see me by busy movement or activity! I will not hustle to prove my worth! 

Queen Latifah says this quick little line in her movie and it stayed in my mind for days! I no longer what to hustle for the wrong reasons.  I am soooooooo tired of hustling and soooo tired of looking up after a long season hustling and wondering what the crap?!!

3. “We will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid”

This line. This line is His promise to me.  34 I will be happy. 

I have walked a very long road in fear.  I certainly don’t laugh enough.  <GULP> I don’t love enough.

We…. We is important here because I am not alone.  I am not alone. He has confirmed He is with me. We will laugh more! We will love more! And we won’t be so afraid! 

So happy birthday to me. I will end it with this: it pretty much sums it all up! The best way possible-

❤️KGB