Crossroads

I battle depression. A lot.

It is a hard truth to admit. I don’t take pills and I don’t condemn those who do. I think there are different levels and degrees of depression. Some degrees require whatever means necessary to fight the demon on your back.

Sometimes I am able to snap back quickly. Somedays I am not able to shake the heavy heart and the gloom over my brain.

Those days are when I need a little extra encouragement or love. Those really tough days I feel like I am at a crossroad and I have to pick fight or die.

Yes. I said it. Fight or die. Anyone who knows how hard the struggle is would agree.

I can’t tell you what happens that bring me to this road. Some days I wake up that way. Some days I go to bed that way. Some days I see the road approaching and I am able to quickly change my route. Other days I see it approaching and nothing I do stops it.

Some times I am at this crossroad for an entire month. Sometimes I don’t see it for months.

Random demon.

That is what I call this spirit. Random demon…two words to you…you suck.

I am tired of you latching yourself to others and to me. I am tired of your lies. I am pist off at the lives you have taken. I am here to say you are messing with the wrong girl. I am standing to say I will fight you and I will win.

Why am I so confident?

I am confident because I know the truth.

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I am confident that every time you take me to this crossroad somewhere deep in my heart, soul and mind I will remember:

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I know that God is for me. I know that he created me for a purpose. I know that He loves me. I know this is true not just for me but also for any who struggle.

I know that it is hard. I know when you are in this battle or at the crossroad at times we are tired, weary, and just wanting to give up. I know fighting is hard. However- next time you are standing there deciding to fight or die remember the truth! Say it out loud! Scream it! Tell random demon to piss off!

You are loved. Your life matters. period.

❤️KGB

Thank you Renee Swope for the words of encouragement! Her post Words for the Weary here .

Emotionally Slutty

Here I am again in this awkward hard place where I don’t know if I was just being open, transparent, vulnerable or just plain emotionally slutty.

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This is a quote from a famous TV show; Sex and the City. This quote makes me laugh, but always seems to be a little too true. I am hoping I was more the first option: open, transparent and vunerable.

However- I wonder:

When are you suppose to keep those walls up and when are you suppose to spill your guts?!? Is there a fine line we should walk or formula that we should follow?! Or should we be willing to show it all and tell all; and not give a damn on who receives it well and who doesn’t ?

I can’t ever seem to get this right. When I tend to share and be open; I tend to be burned by that person. When I tend to be cautious and not share; I tend to be burned by that person, too.

So is it me or is it them? Could it be both of us?! I have a feeling it is both.

Most people say just give people time. Get to know them. The Christian answer is “guard your heart and let the Holy Spirit direct your words and step; you will know who to trust and when to share!” (puke!)

Sorry but that makes me feel a little queasy.

Can I just say you might just obey the Holy Spirit but that doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt. Ouch! I know!

People are human and make stupid mistakes that sometimes means you (and I) can get hurt.

So now what?!

I don’t know. Ha! That is the most honest answer I could truly give. I am 32 years old and feel very much on that outside of every circle. I see the fake a mile away. Some days I desire to fit in with those people but then I remember that I don’t like fake people and my desire quickly fades. I also know that God created me to not be like them…so (sigh) …I am right back where I started.

I do not like seeing people come and go. I don’t understand the ones who pretend to get to know you and care for you and yet when things get to deep they run. I don’t like it and I don’t get it.

However, what if we (the people who are willing to be honest with others about who we are and share our stories and our hearts) seriously just kept on being emotionally slutty open and honest and said screw it to those who decide to walk away for what ever reason?

What if we just decide that we will show it all no matter what the other person decides. What if we trust God to use our emotionally slutty daring vulnerability however He sees fit and not give a second thought if the other person stays or run?!

Hard to always do; I know. Easier said then done…I know that, too. This is were I also want to tell you to be a little cautious on just how soon you open up but then that just puts us back onto confusion island. Instead, I think I will just say this:

Be willing to be who you are.

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Be willing to share your thoughts and emotions.

Be willing to say how you feel and what you think.

Be willing to say I am not okay instead of “fine”.

Be willing to have those deep conversations.

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Be willing to be real.

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Be willing to be a friend that goes deep.

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If all else fails remember this:

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God uses all things for His glory. He turns ashes into beauty. So go ahead be open, honest and vunerable. It may feel emotionally slutty but I think it is incredibly brave.

❤️KGB

His Design

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Oh what can I say. This song comes on the radio and I had to pull over. The lyrics wash over me. The song knocks the breath out of me. I feel the lump in my throat and I know…. I just know the Holy Spirit is alive in me and is jamming out.

The Holy Spirit awakes my soul to soak up the words like a sponge. To pay attention. To stop everything and…. To breathe.

The song is by Need To Breath and the song comes on when I needed to breathe the most. It is not by accident that the bands name is the same as what God is reminding me to do…. always speaking to me…

Trust. Obey. Listen. Be still. Surrender. Oh my daughter how beautiful you are. I designed you and made you. Look at you. So proud. Keep surrending. Stand tall. Be who I called you to be. Don’t turn back now.

His love did come find me!

I have surrendered to His design. Oh why did it take so long..

I am bursting inside. I feel the wild fire in me…completely untamable…

Crushing the past pain.

Oh man…. these words just wreck me. I have tried to fit into others design my whole life. I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I so badly wanted to be what anyone else wanted me to be that I commuted suicide daily to my own self.

I wanted to be the right weight; so I starved myself.

I wanted to fit in; so I drank.

I wanted to be seen by others as pretty; so I dressed so I would be seen.

I wanted to someone to think of me as smart; so I did whatever it took to succeed.

I wanted to look right; so I went into debt to buy the right clothes and studied fashion.

I wanted to be loved; so I gave myself to others who didn’t know how to love or really wanted to love.

I wanted the best of friends; so I didn’t guard my heart or chose wisely.

I wanted to make others proud; so I did whatever they needed…whenever they needed me.

I wanted to be needed, wanted, desired; so I daily seeked their attention in all the wrong way.

Putting their thoughts and ideas above His or even my own.

That is a dangerous place to be.

The thing about trying to be someone else’s design is that you are never happy. YOU will never actually fit their mold and you will continually seek the validation or approval of others as long as you want to fit into their mold.

This is pure hell.
This is a slow and painful death.
You never have joy or peace as long as you walk this road.

Surrender to his design.

Be you! Be bold and take off the mask! Forgive the people who can’t see you or the beauty in you! Look in the mirror and don’t be afraid to be original!

He doesn’t make mistakes!!!
The God of the universe designed you!!!

Screw the mold that so many people are trying to make you, others and I fit into. Here is the song:

Multiplied by Need to Breath

His design is so much better.

❤️KGB

Another Great One…Gone

What can I say? I didn’t know him personally. We never had lunch or a glass of wine together but for some reason I like to think that if our paths had ever crossed he would have been approachable. And even though I didn’t know him other than on the big screen doesn’t mean I can’t be sad for the loss of another great life.

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(All PICTURES FOUND ON PINTEREST)

His presence on the screen will be missed. He brought so much laughter to many hearts over the years.

I will never forgot his lines from Dead Poet Society. A quote every writer needs to hear.

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I loved his words of wisdom.

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His ability to look completely at ease, classy, handsome and dignified even in the most outrageous outfits.

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His twitter comments will be forever the best.

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Oh Mr. Williams you indeed wore it best.

So, tonight my family will watch Mrs. Doubtfire and laugh yet again from your outstanding witty performance. I will raise a glass to you and toast your life like we were good friends; say thank you for all that I have learned from you. Your characters taught me to never take myself to seriously, to never be afraid to look like a fool if it brought others a laugh from somewhere down deep, to never grow up and to read poetry.

Mr. Williams may your life be remembered for all the laughter and wisdom you brought us over the years. I only wish we had been able to return the favor. I wish we had been able to heal your heart, fought the demons, and had helped you win the war you were fighting. Oh how I wish you could have seen the greatness within you that allowed others to see the greatness in them.

And sir, you will be missed very much.

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