When one simply wants to run away do you buy a one way ticket or an open round-trip ticket? Do you pack a bag or just run?
This was how my email started. A good friend offered advice and to be my sarcastic normal self- and sneak in some honesty; I wrote those questions. Yes. I wanted to run away. I wanted to just say screw it all and take off.
Running away seems like the best answer and the first solution in my book. I didn’t want to face the day or my problems anymore. I didn’t want to wear my big girl panties or deal with my shit. Today, well quite honestly everyday, I want to run.
Now we all know that was not and is not the answer to my problems. However, it felt good pondering on it for a while. Where would I go? The beach or the mountains? What would I do?! Would anyone besides my kids miss me? What do I pack? For some reason I could only think of one thing. An old movie, but a classic; The Godfather.
So back to the email. Their response was not good advice. They told me to stay! Wtf! Ha! Yea. I know I get it. However, I would have loved some different advice. Would it have killed them to say “pack a bag, one way ticket and enjoy your trip!”
See I am tired. I am VERY tired. I am so tired that I seriously keep thinking escaping is the only way to clear my heart and head. Yet, I find it quite humorous that every time I think okay today is the day to run…. I find something on my to do list that I just can’t leave undone before my trip.
See that is just it. I am always the fighter. I am always willing to put the big girl panties on and just deal with it. Now don’t get me wrong I have bad days or things in my life that I have allowed to take me out; but I have always (and eventually) gotten back up. I am the achiever that doesn’t know how to disappoint or not work hard. I am always the one who wants to come in; show my worth and value…..and be the princess (the badass princess) that saves the day! Thank you Steve Maraboli for that quote! It literally describes me to a tee.
However, I just found the 1st problem. I am tired because I am constantly working my ass off to make sure others see me. Value me… Pick me…choose me….want me…. I put my worth in the hands of others; all the time. Why do I do this?!? Especially when I know my validation can and will only come from the one. The one. A.k.a. God. Period. No if’s…or and’s…or but’s about it.
The thing is I know this. I know what I bring to the table but yet constantly wonder is it enough?
The 2nd problem: I can be a badass princess but I can’t save anyone. Or fix any one. I can only show love. I have to let God do the badass saving stuff. I get to just be the badass princess.
So I can’t run. Boo. I have to deal with my shit. Stand tall. Be a warrior. Do my thing. Do the thing He created me to do and stop trying to run from it or from the people he places in my life all the time. I have to stop trying to protect myself.
So no more running. Instead, I stand tall and firm. I will fix my crown and keep being
a badass; the badass He made me to be. And eat my cannoli.