Feels like a Death


I have been to many funerals.

I have been to a few where a life was taken way too soon. A baby, a toddler, a high school student, all completely unexpected. I have been to a few where a life was gone after years or months of fighting against cancer or an illness. I have been to a few where the person was older. They had lived a long productive life and it was just their time.

No matter which one the grief was still there. There was still this hole left behind from the person who was gone.

What amazes me is how I feel today is like I am at a funeral. I feel like a death has taken place. My heart is full of grief.

As I sit in my car waiting to walk the few steps; I keep thinking about all the people I have had to say good bye to and the few I didn’t get a chance to. I wish I could tell a few just one more time that I loved them. A few I wish I had gotten a chance to tell them they had made me happy. Oh how I wish I had gotten to hold a few of them one more time. Grief of their death is still so fresh. Especially today.

Weird how one death will remind you of all deaths. Weird how this feels like death.

11 years with a person and you never think it will come to this.

Yet the person is still alive. I will still see him walking around. I will see him with the kids or at certain events in life. So even though he is and will be very much alive…. Our divorce feels like a death.

My heart feels like I am grieving a death.

And maybe that is exactly what divorce is suppose to feel like. A death to dreams and hopes you had for each other. Death to your relationship. Death to the love you once had. Death to a marriage that really feels like we fought cancer for years. Death to a marriage that ended way too soon.  Death to something that never seemed would die.  

Death that feels so sudden and out of nowhere.

I don’t know.

Today I go to sign papers for a divorce and it feels like a death in my heart.