Adrianne (my best friend) and I at my bachorlette party.
Yes this is me. Blonde and short hair. And fat. Some may not believe me when I say I have tipped the scales at 180, but it is true.
Here is another:
7 months later from previous photo and yes pregnant but was mostly fat. I only gained 12-15 pounds during each of my pregnancies. My fat problem was my own demons and not pregnancy related.
When I graduated high school I was 100. I was 100 though because I was not happy and fighting demons of drugs, alcohol and anerixa.
When I was in college I got to a healthy 115. I was drinking but taking care of myself. Working out and eating was no longer a challenge. I was working at Hooters and most girls took some type of diet pill cocktail. I tried it but working out and drinking was more my style. The hangover diet worked well for me too. Until I had the abortion. Then the demons came back. Boy, did they come back and armed with such self hatred that I no longer cared what I looked like.
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was 130. I was this weight because I was drinking. A lot. Eating. A lot. Two bottles of vodka a day was a common part of my diet. No longer taking drugs. I had been cleaned for years at this point. I would eat but throw most of it up. Binge eating and drinking made me feel better about myself. No longer working out and eating way more than I needed to.
When I got married I was 165. No drugs. Alcohol had become a “only when at a social events” or a “bad day” alternative. However, food become my new addiction. I could no longer be hung over or drunk and take care of a child, but I could eat. I could drown my feelings with comfort food. It was my new way to kill myself. Clog those arteries!
When I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child I was 150. Yep, somewhere in there I realized my new addiction had become food and I had tried to fix myself. I tried to eat better and exercise. I just hated myself so much there were days I starved myself. I had developed a fitting room phobia (or mirror phobia) and no longer cared about dressing nice, doing my hair or makeup. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated myself. I was on a path of complete self destruction without the help of drugs or alcohol this time. The fitting room phobia still lingers.
After my daughters birth I got up to 180.
Now I am back to 127. She will be 6 in August and it has been a journey the last 5 years. Exercise, and paleo diet have been the key. Self control has been the lesson. Self acceptance and loving myself is a daily process. Learning progress not perfection is the expectation.
So what is the point to telling you all this?
I thought I needed to give some back history. Some people just think I have always been fit and skinny. Some people don’t realize how much I have struggled with my body. They don’t realize why I have such bad body issues. Why I still hate shopping for clothes! Why I still grab the large size and the not small. Why when I gain a pound back or lose five I analyze my week. I don’t want to starve myself. I don’t want to binge. I don’t want to be my old self.
I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I want to not feel bad when I “cheat” or feel bad when I forgot to eat! I want to look in the mirror and not see fat or skinny. I want to look in the mirror and see me. I want to see my blue eyes, my smile, my giving spirit, my joy, and I wanna see those brains people talk about!! I want to see just me.
The me God created me to be.
So I don’t know where you are in this journey. Maybe you are already there; healthy- free- and have victory over personal unhealthy demons or maybe you are me; been on the journey for a while but aren’t quite there.
Or maybe you haven’t even started the journey yet; maybe you hate yourself and at this moment feeling like you want to do this but can’t. Can I encourage you today!?
Can I say join us! Can I tell you that you can do this! You are beautiful and loved! You are worthy and ENOUGH!
Let today be the day! Join me in that journey!!!
No body is in this alone. Let me know if you want to walk with me in this journey! I would love to partner up!