Before I die…


The big 33 today. My life is not what I thought it would be.  My heart aches. I am scared. Starting over is a tough adventure. Walking it out daily I have so much doubt.  Finding that someday land feels further and further away.  I am so jealous.  I am so hurt.  I feel so forgotten.  I fake my smile a lot. Hope fades in and out.  I wonder about things.  I need a bucket list.  A hope list.  I list that I dream about about and seek after. Intentional choices to reach my best potential. 

Here is my list… 

1. I would love to take my kids to a beach. Let them feel the sand in their toes and see the ocean. A little fresh air, salt water and some sweet memories. Let them see something bigger than the local pool. 

2. I need to help my kids grow and learn continuously; I have slacked too much this year.  Hell, I need to grow.  This year I have to make it up to them. I have to put on my big girl panties and step up.  Time to put their oxygen mask on.  Love, love and more love. 

3. I need to spend more time being a good mom and less time worried about tomorrow. I can’t keep waiting for someday land. I gotta do it now.

4. Needing to take some precious time to create long lasting memories with them. Being intentional about my choice, words and actions.  Grace upon grace.  It is not too late. I haven’t missed any boat! 

5.  Speaking of a boat! I want to take a cruise!!! I need a vacation. To get away. To hear him. To sleep. To laugh.  To breathe.  To find me. 

6. Something new.  This year I need something new that the three of us do together.  

7.  Looking forward to planning a trip to New York for my 40th with a friend! Or two! 

8. Boy do I want to write a book. And write more. Blog and journal!!! Lord give me the words and the time! 

9. Start  a Photography business but first a camera would be awesome! 

10. But most of all to find contentment in my life. The journey I am on is tough and waiting for someday land makes life sad.  I need to enjoy each day for what it is.  To be grateful where I am.  To have hope and desires and to remember I am not forgotten.  I have missed nothing! And He has big plans for me.  
Lord- I pray 33 is going to be new.  A change for the better.  An adventure for my kids and I. I cry out.  I whisper my pains, my desires and aches.  Lord direct my steps!