Running On Empty

 
I feel so empty.  This is a dangerous feeling.

I start to look at things first to make that feeling go away. This job. That job. Those shoes. That purse. That vacation. That board on Pinterest! 

When that doesn’t work I start to look at others to fill me up.  I wonder where is that person.  I call. I text. I over commit.  I push. I ask. I beg. I chase.  I become that girl craving and needing  more and more and more. This begins to make that empty feeling into something much worse.

I busy myself to fill me up. “If I just do more” then that feeling will just shut up! Or hopefully go away. However, every single time, I just start to feel everything more. 

When I start to feel unseen, unheard, unworthy, unloved, unneeded; un- anything, it makes me come undone. 

The undone makes me feel alone, rejected, broken and ashamed. The undone wrecks me. I have to be brave! I have to be strong! So I do what I do best. Hide.  I hide from those who know me best.  I hide until I run on empty for so long that I just can’t hide it anymore. I try to hide behind “I am great!” “God is good!” Or personal favorite: the quiet girl! 

My flesh starts screaming: Validate me!!! My heart and brain scream pay attention to me! My wounds, my hurts, my deep down dreams come to the surface and scream “Damn it! Someone remember me!”

I start asking why am I here? Who am I? What is my great destiny? What if I am alone? 

When I start looking for validation.  For my worth. For my voice. For my happiness it doesn’t take long for me to run away from good things.  I give up.  I move on.  I put up walls.  I shut down. I quit.  Thinking there must be something more out there for me. So Confusion creeps in. Doubt takes over. Fear becomes the leader. I become a prisoner in my own body. Trying to run away from my own self. 

But you cannot run from yourself. 

Not a single thing here on earth can validate my heart.  And as much as I hate to admit; not a single person can fill my bucket full. My bucket seems to empty faster than anyone can fill it. Damn. What a thing to admit out loud. 

There is not enough coffee dates in the world to make this girl all better. 

Or is there? 

When I start to come undone.  After I have tried it all and after it seems all so hopeless; and when I finally cry out God shows up. He has been there all along waiting for me. 

He sits down to hear me! See me! Tell me I am not alone! Reminds me that he is proud.  He pours into me.

I am slowly reminded.  He slowly and gently reminds me I am nothing.  Nothing without him. The Daddy saying I am nothing is not harsh or cruel.  Strangely enough it seems to validate my heart faster.  The simple truth of Nothing reminds me: I don’t have to do more.  I don’t have to chase.  I don’t have to quit. I don’t have to hide.  I am His.  He made me to do nothing or be nothing.  He made me just to be! 

 I am nothing which is so beautiful when you think you have to be something in this world to be alive.

 Nothing is awesome when you realize He is everything.  

❤️KGB

After thought: So today if you are running on empty, or maybe next week or tomorrow.  I ask that you go to Him! Do not wait! Don’t run to a person, place or thing! Go to God! When you give up your validation to the only person who truly can validate you; you become a functional human again and begin to not feel so empty. You are reminded to rest. Trusts give it all some time. When You aren’t afraid to be a nothing; you can be you in the most positive way possible.  

 

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