I May Need Jessie Spano’s Caffine Pills

Most of you get my title.  Some of you may not.  It is a reference to an episode on Saved By The Bell.  I happen to think this is still the Best. Show. Ever. 

  
Here is a clip:Jessie Spano so excited!

So why do I think I need her Caffine pills? There is never enough time!  Seriously.  What I am about to share with y’all is true.  

It may either scare some of you who are contemplating doing life alone.  

It may make some of you more grateful that you don’t do life alone.  

It may make some single moms out there cry knowing they are not alone.  

Whatever it does to you please note I am not complaining; just sharing my season of life right now.

My schedule is crazy.  I officially have decided busy is an understatement! 

  
Here is why: 

There is 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day.  So 168 hours in a week. I know I know…simple math but stay with me gotta set up the word problem.

I have one job I work roughly 40 hours.  

I have another job that I work 25 hours a week.  Some weeks I can do 30.  

It takes me about 20 minutes  to work in the morning and 20 minutes home in the evening. The two jobs are minutes apart.  So drive time I will say each week is 3 hours (probably more but just for good measure).  

So here is the math: 168-40-25-3 equals 100.  Are you tired yet? 

So now I am down to 100 hours.  I sleep about 6 hours a night.  So 42 hours a week I am sleeping or try to sleep.  See my earlier post and you would know I don’t sleep that much. 

So 58 hours a week is what I have left in my time bank.  Which Monday thru Friday I have around 5 hours a day in which I am left trying to fit in: showering, eating, being a mom, laundry, cleaning, cooking, being a friend, going to the gym, etc etc.  

  
Saturday and Sunday there is groceries to be bought.  Work to still be done.  Extra activities to participate in.  This is why I lately I can’t do it all.  Or be it all.  I don’t always get to return phone calls; even text messages.  Or send the perfect email. Or get to do all the fun things I want to do!  Some days I am wanting to put up my feet and watch Netflix all day, but I feel guilty as soon as I even try to rest. 

  
However, I am trying to be excited.  Trying.  Some days I am VERY excited  to see where God takes me.  Excited to be in this season but even more excited to see where this season takes me.  I am grateful for the provision, the strength, the grace and NEW mercy given to me daily.  

Some days I am scared. Very scared. Scared of failing as a mom.  As an employee.  As a friend.  Scared I am going to screw it all up.  Wondering where did my day go? Looking at the clock thinking man will I be able to do that or this today? How will I ever make it through the week? 

One thing for sure is I don’t need Jessie’s pills. 

  
My hope is not trusting caffeine  pills, or red bull or more hours in a day. There is no hope with dope!!! 😁😁😁 

He is my hope. This season may be busy.  However, there is a reason. There is beauty even in all of this.  I just have to trust him.  Ask to see the lesson.  Ask to see the beauty.  Ask for rest.  Ask for my steps to be directed daily so I don’t miss any opportunity.  

So single mommas out there: I raise my glass to you tonight! I am so proud of every single one of you.  Keeping up with the crazy schedules! You go girl! Keep it up! Don’t be scared! He has you! Be excited! Drink that coffee but more importantly be still and know. 

❤️KGB 

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Not Fine 

  Some days are harder than others. 
Tonight the lies creep in.

The lies come flooding in every few weeks.  The great flood of 2015.  2nd choice flood.  Not worth fighting for flood.  Not enough flood.  The alone for life flood. 

The words come so hard I have to sit on the floor and try to not punch the wall! I swear it feels like I have been sucker punched yet again. 

All of this because I wanted to make some stinking delicious green chile rellenos.  But making rellenos for one just opened a freaking flood gate of emotions.  Do you know how much work those suckers are for one?  Then I think well I don’t have anyone else to make them for! If I did I would do it in a heart beat! I would invite them over! Serve them! Do their laundry while we chatted. 

Seriously I am that much of an idiot! 

That is the problem. 

Reality is it was not the chile that pushed me over the edge.  It just seemed like it was.  

However; it is this shitty attitude of feeling 2nd to everything and everyone right now. 

How or better yet why I am overly eager to do things for others and rearrange my schedule to please others and how I constantly wonder about them- and yet here I am and where are they? Not here crying with me on the floor. 

They are off doing great things that I was (once again) not invited to! 

How do I overcome this? How do I find new friends that want to love me and cherish me? How do I find people who want new friends? Where do I find those who aren’t afraid to invite one more? How do you find friends who see the good, the transparency and find it so awesome that they call! They invite! 

Where are the great people that take notice when I say I am fine when reality is I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again! 

Where are these people who desire true friendships.  Not these fake bullshit play dates and keeping up with Jones family or whoever the trend is today! Where are people who truly want another friend? Where are the ones who can be themselves with you 100% of the time and are grateful to have found that friend! 

My heart gives up. Feeling pretty hopeless. Being everyone’s 2nd choice or back up plan makes me crazy.  Wonder if Jesus ever felt this way?  So for now Jesus and coffee  is my new bff.  Screw people.  For now.  No more will I chase after those who don’t deserve me. 

Bye Felicia. 

❤️KGB