Not Fine 

  Some days are harder than others. 
Tonight the lies creep in.

The lies come flooding in every few weeks.  The great flood of 2015.  2nd choice flood.  Not worth fighting for flood.  Not enough flood.  The alone for life flood. 

The words come so hard I have to sit on the floor and try to not punch the wall! I swear it feels like I have been sucker punched yet again. 

All of this because I wanted to make some stinking delicious green chile rellenos.  But making rellenos for one just opened a freaking flood gate of emotions.  Do you know how much work those suckers are for one?  Then I think well I don’t have anyone else to make them for! If I did I would do it in a heart beat! I would invite them over! Serve them! Do their laundry while we chatted. 

Seriously I am that much of an idiot! 

That is the problem. 

Reality is it was not the chile that pushed me over the edge.  It just seemed like it was.  

However; it is this shitty attitude of feeling 2nd to everything and everyone right now. 

How or better yet why I am overly eager to do things for others and rearrange my schedule to please others and how I constantly wonder about them- and yet here I am and where are they? Not here crying with me on the floor. 

They are off doing great things that I was (once again) not invited to! 

How do I overcome this? How do I find new friends that want to love me and cherish me? How do I find people who want new friends? Where do I find those who aren’t afraid to invite one more? How do you find friends who see the good, the transparency and find it so awesome that they call! They invite! 

Where are the great people that take notice when I say I am fine when reality is I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again! 

Where are these people who desire true friendships.  Not these fake bullshit play dates and keeping up with Jones family or whoever the trend is today! Where are people who truly want another friend? Where are the ones who can be themselves with you 100% of the time and are grateful to have found that friend! 

My heart gives up. Feeling pretty hopeless. Being everyone’s 2nd choice or back up plan makes me crazy.  Wonder if Jesus ever felt this way?  So for now Jesus and coffee  is my new bff.  Screw people.  For now.  No more will I chase after those who don’t deserve me. 

Bye Felicia. 

❤️KGB 

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One thought on “Not Fine 

  1. Everything will be ok! My you should learn to be your own best friend! You can’t take anyone with you to the grave when you die. Caskets don’t have bunk beds. You should rather have no friends than fake friends who don’t see your worthy enough to include in their lives. You are worthy! You are created for a purpose! Spend your days exploring the world around you, reading, learning, loving yourself, perfecting your talents, and working on your health and fitness. You won’t have time to spend on people who like that. Be true to yourself. All lives matter. Think of ways to help the world be a better place. Give with unconditional love and no expectations. But first love yourself and spoil yourself and wake up grateful that you woke up! Hundreds of humans and animals in this world wish they were alive and well and weren’t going to die within the next few days, weeks, or months. Sending you love!

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