Dreams of myself on a beach when the evening waves come in is happening nightly.
Seems so peaceful and beautiful.
One wave hits. Then another. Then another. Each time getting more forceful. The sun is setting and darkness is taking over the light dancing on the ocean.
The force of the waves are strong. So strong. Each wave is causing me to stumble. Each little stumble makes me mind race. My heart gets a little nervous. Each wave brings a little uncertainty. Each wave brings a touch of fear that I am going to get knocked down.
I know how to swim but am I strong enough? I know how to get back up but will I be able to this time? How far would that current take me out?
The waves are no longer refreshing. They are higher with each hit. No longer peaceful.
Panic starts to ruin this dream.
But I am frozen. I don’t move. I just stand. I don’t wake up. I am not sure I want to wake up.
Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10 sings from somewhere in my heart. It gives me courage to not run away. My soul fights to stay a sleep. It knows something I don’t.
Each wave is starting to feel like a test. Each wave is testing my strength. Testing my trust. Testing my faith. Each wave starts representing my life. Joy upon joy. Sorrow upon sorrow. Grace up one grace. Hurt upon hurt. Forgiveness upon forgiveness. Test upon test.
Happiness upon happiness wave is nowhere to be seen. The tears start to flow. Even in a dream they are hot and very real.
He is my peace. Ephesians 2:14
Her sins which are many are all forgiven. Luke 7:47
God is with her and she will not fail. Psalm 46:5
The Lord is my bravery and strength. He will walk me through hard times. Habakkuk 3:19
These verses are sweetly being declared over my heart, my mind….my body. My mind screams and my heart aches. I want to fall to my knees but my knees refuse to bend. The verses keep coming. I keep hearing the singing. My soul keeps me standing. Drinking in the water from the verses.
Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us. Romans 8:37
With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies. Psalm 60:12
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
My heart starts to cry out. But God, look at this, look at that, what about that, did you hear that? The brain chimes in with stupid who, what, when, and where. The pain. The memories. The evil that is being done and things being said. The lies. The hate. The shame. How can you keep allowing this to continue. Who is fighting for me? Who will fight for me? My soul is full. My soul remains confident.
Your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4
But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. 2 Tim. 4:17
He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Psalm 103:10
Somewhere in all of this the waves stop. The verses stop. The singing over me quiets. The tears keep coming. I drop on my knees, exhausted, weary, humbled, and wanting to forget.
When a simple whisper in my ear keeps me from going there.
Trust in the Lord. He will provide new strength. Isaiah 40:31
This time my soul was screaming it.
The waves start coming again. I stand. Confident. Stronger. Believing in the possible.
Faith even as small as a mustard seed taking over. This feeling brings a smile. I’ll let my soul lead when I wake up.