Several serious relationships. 1 Marriage. 1 divorce. 2 Years of being single. Knowing many married women. Many more single women. I have learned a lot. I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else. My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.
Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?
There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever. She would love whoever came into her life. She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave. The process would start all over. She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life. At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy. Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little. Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence. Having a person is a want not a need. I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl. I needed another because my heart had holes. I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man. I needed my soul to be validated. I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy. I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.
Well ladies, a man cannot do that.
Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you? Date yourself. Know yourself. Care for yourself. Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.
Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)
Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog. After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term. How do you know it if you are settling? Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone? Or are your expectations too high or too low? How do you know if you are being realistic? How do recognize a red flag? When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through? I mean come on relationships are work. You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.
All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together. Know yourself. Your identity should not be wrapped up in another. You should know what you want in your own life. Again: You should love yourself. How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you? Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.
If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling. If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face. You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone. You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.
Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.
Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did. Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself. He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death! Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill. Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this. Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himself. He could love himself and others because he loved his father. He knew his identity was in God. So go back to thought 1: He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.
Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone. Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways. However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own. Equal. Partners. Building each other up.
So let that all sink in. Where are you in this journey? Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too. Don’t fret. Seek God during this time. Pick up a new hobby. Meet some new friends. Try a new church. Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are. You are not alone! You are loved. You are seen, heard, and valuable. Don’t give in to those thoughts. Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own.
Come back tomorrow for part two! Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB