Reflection 


I see you looking at me.
Looking straight into my eyes even when I won’t return the gaze.  I see you looking deep into them.  Seeing past the hurt and seeing the potential. Seeing the sweet beauty that is fully awakened but can’t come alive; being held hostage by bitterness, fear and mistrust. 
You see the amazing things I have done and can still do.  
I see you looking past my harsh tones when I speak.  Past my disgruntle body language.  

You look and see me as a brave strong woman with no flaws… a woman with only grace and love. 

You see my smile even when I won’t smile.  I don’t  ever want to smile.   You  see it there loud and clear hidden behind lack of confidence and loud insecurities.  Someone always looking for validation.

I see you looking at the scars and stretch marks.  Wanting for others to only see the stories behind them all. You don’t find them ugly like I do.  You see them as lovely reminders.  You see the journey.  You see the body struggles as daily reminders of victory. 

You see the permanent ink on my body.  Warrior. Beloved. So it goes.  They mean so much to me and strangely they means as much to you. 

 You hear the  lion roaring.  You see the pink flamingo standing on one leg with such poise and balance that only a few can master.  The self taught self control. 

You look past my tears and the wounds and see me.  You hear me.  You value me.  

I see you smile and refusing to believe the mess.  Refusing to see me as anything less then beautiful. 

Oh mirror on the wall.  That true self reflection is overwhelming. 

Oh Little Tree

Oh little tree.  I took your picture two years ago.  I saw your strength and beauty.  I was so drawn to you.  I wanted to be just like you.


Oh little tree.  I passed you today.  I turned around and parked.  Gotta out of the car and stood there.  

I could not take your picture.  

You still stood.  You still stood.

All alone. 

Looking worse then you did two years ago. 

Looking worse. Oh my heart wept. I wanted to see you big and tall.  I wanted to see the victory! I wanted to stand in your shade. 

You had one branch with green leaves.  One branch. You couldn’t provide any shade to anyone.  Not even a bird. 

I wish I had taken your picture.  I just couldn’t.  It didn’t give me much hope. 

Instead I wept. 

It was indeed a much hotter year. I should be surprised you were still even trying to bloom.

The water was much more scarce this year. I should be surprised you had any green at all. 

Oh trust me little tree I know. Digging your roots deeper for more water source can be hard.  Sometimes just taking enough water to survive is all we can do.  

We know where to get the water but something holds us back.  Shame? Exhaustion? Anger? Fear? 

Oh little tree-I get it. But guess what? I still stand, too.

After two years of being whipped around.  Looking a little beat up. After being burned multiple times.   I am still blooming even if it is just a little bit.

I  choosing to stand alone. 

In victory.  Fighting for life.
Blooming alone. 

I don’t see any  new growth  in my life either.  Life this year looks more like death was trying to take over.  Sometimes death takes place for new growth though little tree.  Hold on little tree.  

Death will not win.  Will it little tree? 

Just like you,  I stand.  I stand with one small branch of green. One branch of green.  Still alive.  Fighting. 

My heart is still green.  My heart is the one branch connected to the true water source. My heart is green because of hope and truth! 

We may look worse. We may not be taller.  Or have new branches or new leaves. We may not be able to provide more shade for others to enjoy. It is just not that season. It is not our time. Yet… But some day it will be . 

Oh little tree.  You are stronger and more beautiful because you still stand.  Even when it seemed all was loss you didn’t give up. 

You make me realize my own strength. 

I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Still deciding to do the impossible. Just like you I am having a year.  A year of  standing and digging the roots deeper into the ground. Deeper into the one true source of life! 

Stronger in the midst of a hard season. 

I am stronger and more beautiful, too.  

Oh little tree I will take your picture next year. 

34 and I am okay


Today- I am 34.  

Sigh. Happy Birthday to me. No really happy! 34 and I am going to be happy.  I know He has promised me this. 

Recently I watched Last Holiday.  Again, for the 5th time. Have you seen it?! The movie has Queen Latifah in it and is a very sweet cute movie.  

This time though I heard some movie lines that got stuck in my heart. Words were said that a normal person watching the movie would just laugh at it and move on but no not me.  There were quotes that days later my mind wanted to explore. So here they are! 

1.  “The cost of a median cranial debulking surgery is around $340,000. That’s without anesthesia. You’ll want that.”

Insert big chuckle here! 
So again I know this is a movie.  But here is what the next few days looked like when dissecting this quote. 

Lately with all the stress, pressure, wounds,  and hurts…. My brain feels like I have a tumor.  I feel like I am receiving one of these surgeries without anesthesia; which according to the movie; I really want that.  

Something about this line.  I chuckled during the movie but a little whisper said hold on to that.  So I did. 

I googled median cranial debulking and this is what came up:

Debulking[1] is the surgical removal[2] of part of a malignant tumour which cannot be completely excised, so as to enhance the effectiveness of radiation or chemotherapy. Blah,blah, blah 

And then it says this: 

It is usually a long and often complicated procedure taking several hours or more to perform, depending on internal involvement and location.



No joke! Long and complicated? Internal involvement and location?  My heart and mind is being squeezed by tumors and surgery needs to take place to enhance chemo or radiation.  Has the surgery begun already without anesthesia!?!? And if so can I opt now for that anesthesia? Ummm but more importantly and excuse me, but God, what are these tumors that you speak of!!


It’s not a tumor! 

Whew.  So before I freak any of you out.  I don’t really have a real life tumor.

God sweetly spoke to me about guilt being a tumor here and shame being a tumor over there and !oh look! A great big failure tumor is taking up the whole front section!   

He began showing me lies upon lies that were just like real tumors in my brain. He asked me to write them down.   I wasn’t that shocked by the list. I did try to argue with him and say will this freedom class took care of that and that heartquest zapped that right out of me!  However, you know how well that argument went. Those tumors were added to the list.

God quickly said oh baby girl those “chemo” sessions worked but these tumors are back.  This time we are debulking and without anesthesia! Gulp! 

But God!!!! What about anesthesia?  Cause this sounds painful, sounds scary and I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I want to be numb, knocked out and not feeling a thing! 

What do you think He said?  You can’t afford it. You can’t go through all this numb.  You want it but you don’t need it. 

Where there is pain there is growth.  I can’t afford to miss that. 

2.”You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”

No more hustle.  It is the trend right now, isn’t it?! All the funny hustle shirts and quotes.

Do y’all even know what Hustle means? Yeah it sound great but do you know what it means? Well here you go:

move hurriedly or unceremoniously in a specified direction.

“they hustled him into the back of a horse-drawn wagon”

obtain by forceful action or persuasion.

“the brothers headed to New York to try and hustle a record deal”

busy movement and activity.

“the hustle and bustle of the big cities”

a fraud or swindle.

No more.  I will no longer hustle. I won’t be a grad.  I won’t keep up.  I won’t stay busy.  I want to sit. I want to be still.   I will no longer hustle to prove I deserve to be chosen or  I will no longer hustle for others to see me by busy movement or activity! I will not hustle to prove my worth! 

Queen Latifah says this quick little line in her movie and it stayed in my mind for days! I no longer what to hustle for the wrong reasons.  I am soooooooo tired of hustling and soooo tired of looking up after a long season hustling and wondering what the crap?!!

3. “We will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid”

This line. This line is His promise to me.  34 I will be happy. 

I have walked a very long road in fear.  I certainly don’t laugh enough.  <GULP> I don’t love enough.

We…. We is important here because I am not alone.  I am not alone. He has confirmed He is with me. We will laugh more! We will love more! And we won’t be so afraid! 

So happy birthday to me. I will end it with this: it pretty much sums it all up! The best way possible-

❤️KGB 

My Love Story

   

angela and jordan …resizemypicture.com

 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

over it.

 

 I wish I could say I was over it. 

But I can’t. 

My heart is so overwhelmed.

I try to let go.

I try to not stress. 

I try to not be sad or angry. 

But I do cry. 

But I do want to run away. 

But I do want to throw a fit and scream.

But I just keep going. 

I wake up everyday and keep going.

I really don’t have a choice.

I want to just sit somewhere with a coffee in my hand and watch the sun rise everything morning. 

I want to get over this season.  

I want to just take a deep breath and have peace instead all of this that overwhelms me. 

I want joy to overwhelm me. 

I am over it.

I can’t go backwards .

I wish I could.

Even for all the wrong reasons. 

My kids are so messed up right now. 

It is all my fault. 

My two jobs, suck the life out of me every  single day.  

I did this to myself. 

The feelings of failure, and being punished consume me. 

I am suppose to find the silver lining! 

I am suppose to have a mustard seed of faith. 

I am suppose to think of all the good things and be grateful. 

Right now I just want to be over it. 

God hear my prayer! Hear the desires of my heart! Where are you?! Where are you?!? Where the hell are you?!? Did you leave me?!? The bible says you don’t forsake us! But where are you?!? 

Or are you over it, too? 

Are you over me? 

Are you holding me in your hand? 

Are you covering me with your wing? 

Am I seeing only a fraction of how bad it really could be? 

Or is this just the beginning of a huge storm?  

Oh please God get me over it. 

I May Need Jessie Spano’s Caffine Pills

Most of you get my title.  Some of you may not.  It is a reference to an episode on Saved By The Bell.  I happen to think this is still the Best. Show. Ever. 

  
Here is a clip:Jessie Spano so excited!

So why do I think I need her Caffine pills? There is never enough time!  Seriously.  What I am about to share with y’all is true.  

It may either scare some of you who are contemplating doing life alone.  

It may make some of you more grateful that you don’t do life alone.  

It may make some single moms out there cry knowing they are not alone.  

Whatever it does to you please note I am not complaining; just sharing my season of life right now.

My schedule is crazy.  I officially have decided busy is an understatement! 

  
Here is why: 

There is 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day.  So 168 hours in a week. I know I know…simple math but stay with me gotta set up the word problem.

I have one job I work roughly 40 hours.  

I have another job that I work 25 hours a week.  Some weeks I can do 30.  

It takes me about 20 minutes  to work in the morning and 20 minutes home in the evening. The two jobs are minutes apart.  So drive time I will say each week is 3 hours (probably more but just for good measure).  

So here is the math: 168-40-25-3 equals 100.  Are you tired yet? 

So now I am down to 100 hours.  I sleep about 6 hours a night.  So 42 hours a week I am sleeping or try to sleep.  See my earlier post and you would know I don’t sleep that much. 

So 58 hours a week is what I have left in my time bank.  Which Monday thru Friday I have around 5 hours a day in which I am left trying to fit in: showering, eating, being a mom, laundry, cleaning, cooking, being a friend, going to the gym, etc etc.  

  
Saturday and Sunday there is groceries to be bought.  Work to still be done.  Extra activities to participate in.  This is why I lately I can’t do it all.  Or be it all.  I don’t always get to return phone calls; even text messages.  Or send the perfect email. Or get to do all the fun things I want to do!  Some days I am wanting to put up my feet and watch Netflix all day, but I feel guilty as soon as I even try to rest. 

  
However, I am trying to be excited.  Trying.  Some days I am VERY excited  to see where God takes me.  Excited to be in this season but even more excited to see where this season takes me.  I am grateful for the provision, the strength, the grace and NEW mercy given to me daily.  

Some days I am scared. Very scared. Scared of failing as a mom.  As an employee.  As a friend.  Scared I am going to screw it all up.  Wondering where did my day go? Looking at the clock thinking man will I be able to do that or this today? How will I ever make it through the week? 

One thing for sure is I don’t need Jessie’s pills. 

  
My hope is not trusting caffeine  pills, or red bull or more hours in a day. There is no hope with dope!!! 😁😁😁 

He is my hope. This season may be busy.  However, there is a reason. There is beauty even in all of this.  I just have to trust him.  Ask to see the lesson.  Ask to see the beauty.  Ask for rest.  Ask for my steps to be directed daily so I don’t miss any opportunity.  

So single mommas out there: I raise my glass to you tonight! I am so proud of every single one of you.  Keeping up with the crazy schedules! You go girl! Keep it up! Don’t be scared! He has you! Be excited! Drink that coffee but more importantly be still and know. 

❤️KGB 

Not Fine 

  Some days are harder than others. 
Tonight the lies creep in.

The lies come flooding in every few weeks.  The great flood of 2015.  2nd choice flood.  Not worth fighting for flood.  Not enough flood.  The alone for life flood. 

The words come so hard I have to sit on the floor and try to not punch the wall! I swear it feels like I have been sucker punched yet again. 

All of this because I wanted to make some stinking delicious green chile rellenos.  But making rellenos for one just opened a freaking flood gate of emotions.  Do you know how much work those suckers are for one?  Then I think well I don’t have anyone else to make them for! If I did I would do it in a heart beat! I would invite them over! Serve them! Do their laundry while we chatted. 

Seriously I am that much of an idiot! 

That is the problem. 

Reality is it was not the chile that pushed me over the edge.  It just seemed like it was.  

However; it is this shitty attitude of feeling 2nd to everything and everyone right now. 

How or better yet why I am overly eager to do things for others and rearrange my schedule to please others and how I constantly wonder about them- and yet here I am and where are they? Not here crying with me on the floor. 

They are off doing great things that I was (once again) not invited to! 

How do I overcome this? How do I find new friends that want to love me and cherish me? How do I find people who want new friends? Where do I find those who aren’t afraid to invite one more? How do you find friends who see the good, the transparency and find it so awesome that they call! They invite! 

Where are the great people that take notice when I say I am fine when reality is I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again! 

Where are these people who desire true friendships.  Not these fake bullshit play dates and keeping up with Jones family or whoever the trend is today! Where are people who truly want another friend? Where are the ones who can be themselves with you 100% of the time and are grateful to have found that friend! 

My heart gives up. Feeling pretty hopeless. Being everyone’s 2nd choice or back up plan makes me crazy.  Wonder if Jesus ever felt this way?  So for now Jesus and coffee  is my new bff.  Screw people.  For now.  No more will I chase after those who don’t deserve me. 

Bye Felicia. 

❤️KGB