Single 101: Part Two

Part 2

More thoughts and wisdom on being single. 


Sugar Daddy or Momma?

That is funny but let’s be honest.

You should not be with someone because of money.  Money runs out or can go away.  My advice: You should be supporting yourself.  Are you standing on your own two feet?  If they have money or you have money great, but if you are looking for a person with money then you are looking for love to feel a need.  You have clearly missed #1 and #2 (see Part One).  

Money is not the answer to life’s problems.


I wonder if whoever said that had ever been without, but reality is, this statement is true. I would rather know that if anything happens I will still be okay, then one day be out and wonder now what the hell am I going to do.   Oh! Wait I have been there.  I didn’t marry for money. I loved him despite of no money but I did get in a situation that I could not support myself; stupid me.   If you can’t 100% say you are independent then I would say it is time to get there and another reason to be single. 

Where is God in your life?

I need God.  I daily need him.  That means you need him too.  Do you pray? Do you attend church?  Do you worship God and listen to his prompts?  I want to not hear that you do this.  I want to see your life reflect Christ.  I know that no relationship or marriage will sustain without God.  How can I be prepared for a relationship or be ready for a relationship if I don’t daily go to my creator and get poured into.  

How can you be?  

I can’t love another fully if I can’t see through the right lenses.  Grace. Love. Mercy. Self-Control. Patience.  A sound mind.  My heart can’t validate anyone else’s heart, and my heart can only get validation from God.  I don’t want someone draining me every day because they are seeking from the world and seeking God through me.   God must be present in your life.

Are we friends?

Why rush into a dating relationship?  Can you be friends first?  I think this is important.  It is also proven that lasting relationships happen when there was a friendship first and love grew from that.   It seems like it is all or nothing with some men/woman.  

Why is that?

I want someone I know well.  Can I name your mom or sister?  Do we have some crazy story we share?  I know some people think a friendship is just like dating.  Friendships no matter what the outcome you are trying to achieve can look like dating.   However; you will know the difference.  I don’t kiss my friends.  I don’t hold their hands.  There is a level on which some things are going to be saved for a relationship status.  

I once met a great guy.  We were friends, at least, in my mind. I told him from the beginning: I just need to start slow and be friends.  I am not ready to date.  It was fine with him; until he started dating another.   Then my so-called friend no longer called or text.   I know some people think you can’t be friends with another of the opposite sex.  I completely disagree.   

I can assume the worse in this guy or the new girl in his life, but I prefer to think it was just God.  Slow down when you meet someone.  Don’t look to define the relationship right away.  Just be friends.  Have coffee, get to know each other, and let time tell you if this friendship should be more. Let friendship turn into dates! 

So are you self supported? Are you looking for a Godly man?  Are you trying to jump into a relationship or are you trying to be friends first.  

These are important goals to have set in your life before moving into a relationship.  

Stay tune for part 3! ❤ KGB 

Single 101: What You Need to Know

Part One

Several serious relationships.  1 Marriage.  1 divorce.  2 Years of being single.  Knowing many married women. Many more single women.  I have learned a lot.  I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else.  My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.

Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?


There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever.  She would love whoever came into her life.  She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave.  The process would start all over.  She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life.  At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy.  Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little.  Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence.  Having a person is a want not a need.  I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl.  I needed another because my heart had holes.  I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man.  I needed my soul to be validated.  I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy.  I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.  

Well ladies, a man cannot do that.   

Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you?  Date yourself.  Know yourself. Care for yourself.  Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.

Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)

Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog.  After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term.   How do you know it if you are settling?  Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone?  Or are your expectations too high or too low?  How do you know if you are being realistic?  How do recognize a red flag?  When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through?  I mean come on relationships are work.  You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.

All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together.  Know yourself.  Your identity should not be wrapped up in another.  You should know what you want in your own life.  Again: You should love yourself.  How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you?  Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.  

If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling.  If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face.  You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.

Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.

Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did.  Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself.  He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death!  Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill.  Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this.  Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himselfHe could love himself and others because he loved his fatherHe knew his identity was in God.  So go back to thought 1:  He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.

Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone.  Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways.  However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own.   Equal.  Partners.  Building each other up.

So let that all sink in.  Where are you in this journey?  Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too.  Don’t fret.  Seek God during this time.  Pick up a new hobby.  Meet some new friends.  Try a new church.  Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are.  You are not alone! You are loved.  You are seen, heard, and valuable.  Don’t give in to those thoughts.  Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own. 

Come back tomorrow for part two!  Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB 

My Love Story

   

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 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

keeping it real

 
I am starting to wonder how much social media does one person or society really need. 

Instagram. ✔️ yep, on it.

Facebook. ✔️ yep, got it.

Twitter. ✔️ signed up.

Pinterest. ✔️✔️✔️ on it, got it and use it. 

Google+. ✔️ I guess I need that too. 

Snapchat. ✔️ um yeah okay.

And now trending Periscope. ✔️ oh hell. 

I know people are using these sites to network. To build communities. To connect. To share etc etc. All great and wonderful things…. To a certain point. 

I wonder though isn’t this just another form of showing people what you only want people to know.  Another way the enemy works his mad skills of distancing people from real life. 

Keeping peoples attention on a camera lens or a small screen. 

How much of this screen time is distracting us from seeing others. Keeping us from being Jesus to people in real life? How much is social media distracting us from His real work? 

We need-

Real friendships.

Real communities. 

We need to have real authentic people who hear you when you are silent.  Who see the tears as they fall.  Who see you smile so big when prayer is answered. Who are around when you trip on your own two feet and point and laugh!

I see the cool things people are putting out there.  Not knocking these videos.  These video messages are amazing.  But when my phone sings a little  tweet sound every few hours from the same people my heart starts to hurt for them too. My phone sings that little song a lot more lately. 

Are they seeking attention? Needing a platform? Maybe.  Maybe they feel this is an easier way to connect without putting in real time or effort.  They are just too busy to plan coffee dates or play dates. Through the camera  they can connect safely.  

Maybe they do this form of communication so they can keep from getting hurt….

Maybe they do it all just because and there is no real motive. They haven’t thought of the time spent on their smart phone.  They see a two minute video as no biggie.  When two minutes is all have you have to give; there is a bigger problem. 

Being “too busy” is a distraction too. 

Maybe it is  just another social media distraction that they have to join to be in the world.  

I see the value in the social networking sites.  But I also see the addiction.  I see people moving away from close knit friendships and more into self serving relationships. I see the social sites distractions that are hurting others. I see people who have really closed off their lives and hearts to others.  It is pathetic.  

I look around coffee shops and water parks and everyone is on their phone; normally on a social media site…..this seems crazy!  Don’t let these sites distract you from real life. People all around you are needing real conversations, real I love yous and real touch.  

I guess just like all things there is a healthy balance. I will say though finding that balance can be difficult.   Post your status updates.  Take a cute picture of your food. Review the latest gas station.  Pin the latest work out.  Periscope your thoughts on world peace.  But then go out in the world.  Put your ass in the ring.  Make some real friends. Make some new friends.  Call a sister. Call your mother.  Take some time to participate in real life.  

You only get one life  .

And NOTHING you read or watch will ever replace that.
❤️KGB 

Always Love First

Do not let things distract you from love. A common theme in my journal so far this year. Do not be so busy.

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See you can be doing things or be involved in things that are awesome but can be distracting you from His purpose. You could be so busy that you are hindering yourself from getting His love to a person or place that needs His love.

Busy is not from God. Who would want to keep us so busy that we are distracted?! Not God I can tell you that.

I love to do things. I love to help and serve. However, when I do great and awesome things it take time away from my family, or friendships that need some attention.

Please hear this: We should be servants. We should be helping others. But only when He tells us to do so.

We should also be willing to leave or let go of things whenever He tells us. We should be willing to drop things to spend more time building relationships with people. That could be our family, or kids or a perhaps maybe a person who doesn’t have Jesus in their life.

“What if someone is waiting for you to do what you were called to do to make someone else whole… healthy… healed….?” This was said by a fabulous lady one night when she have her testimony.

It hit me so hard. I instantly thought “how many times in my life had I put things (or people) aside and it had caused someone to not feel His love, not know him or caused them to not be who He had called them to be? ” How many times had it been done to me….I knew that answer all to well….and I knew I couldn’t be that person any longer.

Yet months later I still was that person.

I tend to put things on the back burner.. A LOT. Things I love to do. Things I desire to do. Things I want to do so badly that in my heart I ache for brushing it off. I put aside many things because of many reasons.

One main reason though: I am busy…distracted…keep thinking someday I will have time for that.

I fail to ask Him first and foremost what to lay aside that day and what to do. I fail to die to self. I fail to see that someday may never come.

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However; this is the old me. He has been quickly changing my steps. He has shown me how everyone is so busy. He never asked any of us to be this busy!

I want to love others. In order to love others there will be days I am asked to love others in ways that just seem crazy. In order to love others with no agenda and freely I have to be open to go wherever and whenever He takes me. In order to do that I can’t be so busy. So distracted.

So no longer can I put things on the back burner. I have to be intentional and walk with a purpose. I may have to put down some things that I was never suppose to pick up. I don’t want to miss what God has for me or be the cause for another to miss what He has for them.

I have to love when I am told and not when it fits in the schedule or budget.

His love will move us. His love will make our feet go in directions that we would have never thought of.

His love will have us do things that extravagantly. Not cautiously or conditionally.

We should never be too busy to love.

So pray and ask him what He may want you to stop doing, ask Him to reveal some distractions that stand in the way, and ask him to show you a person who needs His love.

Don’t wait. Be brave. Be His love this week! Don’t be distracted anymore.

❤️KGB

Love People

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Lately I hear some tough questions coming up in my quiet time. At the grocery story. At home. In traffic. They are constantly going through my mind.

What am I spreading? Am I spreading His unconditional perfect love? Or am I spreading broken conditional love?

Do people see love or do they see judgment? Do they see me or do they see him? If they see him are they seeing love or rules, harshness or grace?

How do people in the world see the church? Do they see love or a business? Do they see church as an exclusive country club that they can’t belong to? Maybe they think they can’t belong because of what they have done or haven’t done? Maybe they don’t want to go to church because of judgment they have made or a judgment that was made on them?

What about those in the church? Do they see love? Do they feel love? Or do they always feel like they don’t belong or don’t measure up? Do people in the church know what love is? Does the church know that we are asked to only love others? Do people in the church love the right way?

Do we even know what we are suppose to be spreading? I wonder that every time I see another “Christian” actor, reality star or singer under fire in the news for what they stood up for? Did they stand up for the right thing? Or it just another thing we “Christians” are known for being against?

Why do people know what we are against more than they know what we are for?

What if we stood up for love instead?

Does this mean we don’t share our view on certain topics? It might mean exactly that.

Love may mean keeping our opinion to ourselves. I believe we might just not speak at all when we are more concern with loving others instead of letting our opinion known.

Love spreads sometimes more in silence than in words.

Are you loving people? Really loving people? He asked me that a few months ago in my quiet time. I honestly knew I was not. Gulp. Yep. I am guilty, too.

I am not pointing fingers at any one. I am raising my hands and saying Lord help me love!

Are you telling people you love them? Yes my mind quickly and rather proudly answered. You can be telling them but not showing them. Oh snap! He sure calls me out.

I knew my lips were saying one thing but my actions said another.

So I ask- Are there people in your life that judge God’s love based on the way you love them?

Ouch. I know it is a tough question. I can tell you though there was a point in my journey that I was going to church and pretty much was judging his love based on the way people were showing love or not showing love. I judged his love based on the way the church was and the way people in his church was showing me love.

How could he love me when these people didn’t? These people with pastor titles and high positions in the church did not love me then God could not love me. I wonder how many others had felt the same way.

One day I was ready to give up. I was ready to run. Run from him. Run from church. I wanted no part of this type of love.

God showed up that day.

“Don’t judge God’s love on the way others love you.” Jan Greenwood’s Facebook post read one evening. I cried. I knew it was for me. It changed my heart.

Changed my life.

See, I too, wasn’t loving others the way I was asked to love others. This broke my heart.

Still does.

I wonder how many people don’t know His love based on the way I have acted or because of things I have said or haven’t said.How many people had I caused to run from His arms? How many people wanted nothing to do with Him because I had showed them my love; not his love.

Forget the way people were treating me. I couldn’t change others. I couldn’t change the way they loved but I could change myself. He didn’t show me that post to point fingers at others. He showed me that post to get me to stop looking at others and their love and to start looking at Him and his love.

People have great intentions. However, sometimes good intentions are done from our own messed up idea of what love is and not from His love.

We are not perfect and we never will be. However, I wondered what would happen if we got out of the way and just allowed God to love others through us. I wonder what crazy things would happen?

What if we loved others? What if we just loved people with no agenda? What if we stopped trying to fix people and save people? He doesnt fix people; He loves them just the way they are. He saves people by loving them.

What if we love others the way Jesus does? Love them when they are broken or messy? Love them right where they are and the way they are. Not for what they can be or the way you want them to be.

There is no formula. I have realized that when I love people from my strength- I get annoyed, I find faults, I try to take over as their Holy Spirit – but when I ask him to love them through me, oh man, it is a beautiful thing.

Love is going to save people.

Love is going to heal people.

Love is all we were asked to do. Do our actions speak love? Do our lives speak love? Do our words speak love?

We may need to start asking ourselves these tough questions before we can do anything.

❤️KGB

Love Basics

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Love God.
Love People.

Mark 12:29-31The Message:
Jesus said, “The first in importance is, listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love The Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.”

Isn’t it interesting that this was the greatest commandment? And that it was in this order? You have to love God then love people.

God has been speaking to me a lot about love. He whispers to me the power of love. He shows me the power in love. He reminds there is a lack of love-not from him- but from the church, from others, and from me.

2014 is all about love. Love is all God asked for all of us to do. I believe He only wants and needs us to love others. The world needs love right now.

Love is life changing.

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Back to the basics. Conferences, books, classes, churches, mission trips etc are great. However, I feel like God is reminding us and calling us back to the basics. Our actions are suppose to speak louder than our words, buildings or programs.

Love is mentioned more than any other word in the bible- so what if we took notice and concentrated on just loving- maybe others would be freed and healed?

I asked that in a question but I want to declare it. Love is mentioned more than any other word in the bible. We should took notice. We should concentrate on just loving. Then others will be freed and healed.

Love is what saved us and love is what heals us.

What if we loved more and hated less?

There is no formula. There is no agenda. Just a goal or maybe a call to action for all of us to start loving more. I hope we start to see love in a new way and want to love the way we were called to live.

If we are going to have any life goal or be known for anything; shouldn’t it be for loving others? Shouldn’t that be our daily life goal? Shouldn’t we be willing to love others, unconditionally, the way He loves us?

Love is the new journey I am on. I am choosing love. I am choosing to be intentional about it. I am wanting my life to be filled with His love and hopefully have it pouring out onto others.

I want his very awesome, forgiving, intentional, restoring, redeeming, joyful, freeing and unforgettable love to be seen and known to others. Don’t you?

❤️KGB