Oh Little Tree

Oh little tree.  I took your picture two years ago.  I saw your strength and beauty.  I was so drawn to you.  I wanted to be just like you.


Oh little tree.  I passed you today.  I turned around and parked.  Gotta out of the car and stood there.  

I could not take your picture.  

You still stood.  You still stood.

All alone. 

Looking worse then you did two years ago. 

Looking worse. Oh my heart wept. I wanted to see you big and tall.  I wanted to see the victory! I wanted to stand in your shade. 

You had one branch with green leaves.  One branch. You couldn’t provide any shade to anyone.  Not even a bird. 

I wish I had taken your picture.  I just couldn’t.  It didn’t give me much hope. 

Instead I wept. 

It was indeed a much hotter year. I should be surprised you were still even trying to bloom.

The water was much more scarce this year. I should be surprised you had any green at all. 

Oh trust me little tree I know. Digging your roots deeper for more water source can be hard.  Sometimes just taking enough water to survive is all we can do.  

We know where to get the water but something holds us back.  Shame? Exhaustion? Anger? Fear? 

Oh little tree-I get it. But guess what? I still stand, too.

After two years of being whipped around.  Looking a little beat up. After being burned multiple times.   I am still blooming even if it is just a little bit.

I  choosing to stand alone. 

In victory.  Fighting for life.
Blooming alone. 

I don’t see any  new growth  in my life either.  Life this year looks more like death was trying to take over.  Sometimes death takes place for new growth though little tree.  Hold on little tree.  

Death will not win.  Will it little tree? 

Just like you,  I stand.  I stand with one small branch of green. One branch of green.  Still alive.  Fighting. 

My heart is still green.  My heart is the one branch connected to the true water source. My heart is green because of hope and truth! 

We may look worse. We may not be taller.  Or have new branches or new leaves. We may not be able to provide more shade for others to enjoy. It is just not that season. It is not our time. Yet… But some day it will be . 

Oh little tree.  You are stronger and more beautiful because you still stand.  Even when it seemed all was loss you didn’t give up. 

You make me realize my own strength. 

I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Still deciding to do the impossible. Just like you I am having a year.  A year of  standing and digging the roots deeper into the ground. Deeper into the one true source of life! 

Stronger in the midst of a hard season. 

I am stronger and more beautiful, too.  

Oh little tree I will take your picture next year. 

Advertisements

Journeying To a Far off Healthy Me: Wanna Join? 



Adrianne (my best friend) and I at my  bachorlette party. 

Yes this is me.  Blonde and short hair.  And fat.  Some may not believe me when I say I have tipped the scales at 180, but it is true.  

Here is another: 



7 months later from previous photo and yes pregnant but was mostly fat. I only gained 12-15 pounds during each of my pregnancies. My fat problem was my own demons and not pregnancy related. 

When I graduated high school I was 100.  I was 100 though because I was not happy and fighting demons of drugs, alcohol and anerixa. 

When I was in college I got to a healthy 115.  I was drinking but taking care of myself. Working out and eating was no longer a challenge.  I was working at Hooters and most girls took some type of diet pill cocktail.  I tried it but working out and drinking was more my style.  The hangover diet worked well for me too. Until I had the abortion.  Then the demons came back. Boy, did they come back and armed with such self hatred that I no longer cared what I looked like.  

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was 130.  I was this weight because I was drinking.  A lot.  Eating. A lot.  Two bottles of vodka a day was a common part of my diet.  No longer taking drugs. I had been cleaned for years at this point.   I would eat but throw most of it up.  Binge eating and drinking made me feel better about myself.  No longer working out and eating way more than I needed to. 

When I got married I was 165. No drugs.  Alcohol had become a “only when at a social events” or a “bad day” alternative.  However, food become my new addiction.  I could no longer be hung over or drunk and take care of a child, but I could eat.  I could drown my feelings with comfort food. It was my new way to kill myself.  Clog those arteries! 

When I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child I was 150. Yep, somewhere in there I realized my new addiction had become food and I had tried  to fix myself.  I tried to eat better and exercise.  I just hated myself so much there were days I starved myself.  I had developed a fitting room phobia (or mirror phobia) and no longer cared about dressing nice, doing my hair or makeup.  I hated looking in the mirror.  I hated myself. I was on a path of complete self destruction without the help of drugs or alcohol this time.  The fitting room phobia still lingers. 

After my daughters birth I got up to 180.

Now I am back to 127.  She will be 6 in August and it has been a journey the last 5 years. Exercise, and paleo diet have been the key.  Self control has been the lesson.  Self acceptance and loving myself is a daily process.  Learning progress not perfection is the expectation. 

So what is the point to telling you all this? 

I thought I needed to give some back history.  Some people just think I have always been fit and skinny.  Some people don’t realize how much I have struggled with my body.  They don’t realize why I have such bad body issues. Why I still hate shopping for clothes! Why I still grab the large size and the not small.  Why when I gain a pound back or lose five I analyze my week.  I don’t want to starve myself.  I don’t want to binge.  I don’t want to be my old self. 

I want to be free.  I want to be healthy.  I want to not feel bad when I “cheat” or feel bad when I  forgot to eat!  I want to look in the mirror and not see fat or skinny.  I want to look in the mirror and see me.  I want to see my blue eyes, my smile, my giving spirit, my joy, and I wanna see those brains people talk about!! I want to see just me.  

The me God created me to be.  

So I don’t know where you are in this journey. Maybe you are already there; healthy- free- and have victory over personal unhealthy demons or maybe you are me; been on the journey for a while but aren’t quite there.  

Or maybe you haven’t even started the journey yet; maybe you hate yourself and at this moment feeling like you want to do this but can’t.  Can I encourage you today!? 

Can I say join us! Can I tell you that you can do this! You are beautiful and loved! You are worthy and ENOUGH! 

Let today be the day! Join me in that journey!!! 

No body is in this alone.  Let me know if you want to walk with me in this journey! I would love to partner up! 

5 Confessions From a Real Mom

20140527-200537-72337281.jpg

These confessions might shock you. So if you are a mom that has it together all the time and never do anything shocking then don’t read this post. Or maybe you should read it so you will either relax a little or I will help you feel even better about yourself.

1. Popcorn is served for breakfast!

Yep. I have and will continue to serve popcorn (occasionally) for breakfast. My husband was appalled when he saw me do this one day but I put his mind to ease when I said “what is the problem? Honestly this is just like corn pops; just the dollar store version.”

2. My child has gone 5 days without a bath.

Swimming in a pool counts as a bath right?!? Right?! Can I get an amen?

3. I have lied to my child about having super hero powers.

I have lied. There I said it! I have told my son I know about things he does when I am not around because I can see into the future. I have told my daughter that I have super strength because I do the laundry. She now helps with the laundry every time I do it. She is getting so strong! I can tell!

4. I gave my child a three course meal the very first time I was told by their doctor they could eat food.

Yeah. My pediatrician gave me the thumbs up on starting my child on food; so I went to the store and bought every kind of food gerber had. I feed that child at least a little of every kind of baby jar food at every meal. Good thing they didn’t have food allergies. I didn’t know any better until the next check up. 3 months later.

5. My children can speak in movie quotes.

They can carry a full conversation in just movie quotes. Some movies they have probably never even seen but have heard dad and I quote it and so they copy it. Either way movies have helped shaped my children’s vocabulary and I am okay with that.

Okay so these may not be that shocking. Some may just be more humorous than anything else. However, I needed to share. I needed to get it out there that I am not perfect. I don’t have my stuff altogether all the time. Lately things have been tough in the mom department and all I can do is take deep breaths and remind myself of His strength that comes in during my weakness. I remind myself of His love and grace that completely swoops in when I mess up. I remind myself God picked me to be their mom and I have to trust that I may not always get in perfect but I will always be shown grace, forgiveness, mercy but most of all love.

I felt confessing my MMM(messy mommy moments) take away the power from satan beating me up with them. I wanted others to have the power to stand up and say I am doing the best I can and I am okay. We can all do better and we all have things to work on but why sit back and keep these things to ourselves when we should lean into each other and loudly confess our silly moments , laugh about the time we dropped dirty diaper on the floor dirty side down….. Yucky I know …
And move on from them.

So ladies stop hiding your mistakes. Confess and move on. Laugh a little and don’t worry if donuts were served yet again for breakfast! You are awesome and today while folding laundry I just know super powers are being placed deep in your heart!
❤️KGB

Make A Difference Monday: Honor

20140526-084033-31233521.jpg

Note:

Picture is by Anthony Suau. The words are quoted from a WfAA.com Article interviewing Tammie Ledsome Frias

Today is Memorial Day.

Many people celebrate today with shopping, or a trip to the lake or maybe today is just another day of work for you.

Whatever today looks like for you and your family, I encourage you to stop for a moment and to really think about what today is really about.

Today: Lift up a prayer, count your blessings, talk to your kids about what today means. Perhaps visit the national cemetery in your area, say thanks to a military person, or have a moment of silence. Today is about so much more than food, sun and shopping.

Today is about:

Freedom

Bravery

Honor

Those who served and those still serving.

Lives of those who serve.

Lives of the ones who wait for their love one’s who serve.

Even your local police and fire fighters.

Don’t forget today is about celebrating the people who fight and fought for our freedom and for our land.