Wave After Wave

Photo credit: onebigphoto.com

Dreams of myself on a beach when the evening waves come in is happening nightly.

Seems so peaceful and beautiful.

One wave hits. Then another.  Then another.  Each time getting more forceful.  The sun is setting and darkness is taking over the light dancing on the ocean. 

The force of the waves are strong.  So strong.  Each wave is causing me to stumble.  Each little stumble makes me mind race.  My heart gets a little nervous.  Each wave brings a little uncertainty.  Each wave brings a touch of fear that I am going to get knocked down.

I know how to swim but am I strong enough?  I know how to get back up but will I be able to this time?  How far would that current take me out?  

The waves are no longer refreshing.  They are higher with each hit.  No longer peaceful.

Panic starts to ruin this dream.

But I am frozen.  I don’t move.  I just stand.  I don’t wake up.  I am not sure I want to wake up.  

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10 sings from somewhere in my heart. It gives me courage to not run away. My soul fights to stay a sleep.  It knows something I don’t.  

Each wave is starting to feel like a test.  Each wave is testing my strength.  Testing my trust.  Testing my faith. Each wave starts representing my life.  Joy upon joy.   Sorrow upon sorrow.  Grace up one grace. Hurt upon hurt.   Forgiveness upon forgiveness.  Test upon test.

Happiness upon happiness wave is nowhere to be seen. The tears start to flow.  Even in a dream they are hot and very real.

He is my peace. Ephesians 2:14

Her sins which are many are all forgiven. Luke 7:47

God is with her and she will not fail. Psalm 46:5

The Lord is my bravery and strength.  He will walk me through hard times.  Habakkuk 3:19

These verses are sweetly being declared over my heart, my mind….my body.    My mind screams and my heart aches.  I want to fall to my knees but my knees refuse to bend.  The verses keep coming.  I keep hearing the singing.  My soul keeps me standing.  Drinking in the water from the verses. 

Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us.  Romans 8:37

With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies.  Psalm 60:12

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

My heart starts to cry out.  But God, look at this, look at that, what about that, did you hear that?  The brain chimes in with stupid who, what, when, and where.  The pain. The memories. The evil that is being done and things being said.  The lies.  The hate.  The shame.  How can you keep allowing this to continue.  Who is fighting for me? Who will fight for me? My soul is full.  My soul remains confident.

Your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭20:4‬ ‭

But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. 2 Tim. 4:17

He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Psalm  103:10

Somewhere in all of this the waves stop.  The verses stop.  The singing over me quiets.  The tears keep coming.  I drop on my knees, exhausted, weary, humbled, and wanting to forget.  

When a simple whisper in my ear keeps me from going there.

Trust in the Lord. He will provide new strength. Isaiah 40:31

This time my soul was screaming it.

 The waves start coming again.  I stand.  Confident.  Stronger.  Believing in the possible.  

Faith even as small as a mustard seed taking over.  This feeling brings a smile. I’ll let my soul lead when I wake up.

❤KGB 



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Reflection 


I see you looking at me.
Looking straight into my eyes even when I won’t return the gaze.  I see you looking deep into them.  Seeing past the hurt and seeing the potential. Seeing the sweet beauty that is fully awakened but can’t come alive; being held hostage by bitterness, fear and mistrust. 
You see the amazing things I have done and can still do.  
I see you looking past my harsh tones when I speak.  Past my disgruntle body language.  

You look and see me as a brave strong woman with no flaws… a woman with only grace and love. 

You see my smile even when I won’t smile.  I don’t  ever want to smile.   You  see it there loud and clear hidden behind lack of confidence and loud insecurities.  Someone always looking for validation.

I see you looking at the scars and stretch marks.  Wanting for others to only see the stories behind them all. You don’t find them ugly like I do.  You see them as lovely reminders.  You see the journey.  You see the body struggles as daily reminders of victory. 

You see the permanent ink on my body.  Warrior. Beloved. So it goes.  They mean so much to me and strangely they means as much to you. 

 You hear the  lion roaring.  You see the pink flamingo standing on one leg with such poise and balance that only a few can master.  The self taught self control. 

You look past my tears and the wounds and see me.  You hear me.  You value me.  

I see you smile and refusing to believe the mess.  Refusing to see me as anything less then beautiful. 

Oh mirror on the wall.  That true self reflection is overwhelming. 

My Love Story

   

angela and jordan …resizemypicture.com

 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

Proud Of You 

  
Some people heard this all the time while growing up.  

While many others did not.

Sigh. 

We have kids walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance from anything and everything.  Their actions scream “tell me I matter!”

Hell, we have adults walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance, too. 

I wonder what would happen if this simple statement was said more to everyone (no matter what age) how much it could change our world.  

These 5 simple words rocked some deep wounds in my own heart. 

(Thank you Sid Falco) 

The first time I remember someone saying it to me knocked the snot out of me.  I instantly asked, “For what?!”

The response “…just because…”

I questioned it.  Me?  You are proud of me? What did I do? Are you sure?  Just because? Something in me wonder what did he want? What did he know?  Was I really actually in trouble and this is just the phrase before the “but”.

For a girl who has always felt like she wasn’t worth a crap, ruined everything and sucked at life; hearing these words changed my heart.  These words opened up my mind to just maybe my life mattered and I was not a complete mess.

So many people are walking  around this world asking the wrong things and people “..am I enough? Do I belong? Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Does my life matter? What do I need to do or buy to be accepted?”  

When their hearts and mind don’t hear the right words they are searching for, they go on to the next thing, place or person. 

We walk around with these huge heavy questions for many different reasons but I believe maybe if we might have had (or could have) a few more pat on the backs, a few more “I love you” moments and definitely a few more “I am proud of you” conversations that we would question our self worth less

So what if a few of us got together and started saying more positive things.  What if we said I am proud of you?  I love you.  You are loved.  I see you.  I hear you. Way to go.  What if we said these things a lot more?  Could it change the actions, thoughts or words of others? Could we change our kids?  Could we change some adults? 

I am willing to bet we could. 

So in case you have never heard it.  Hear you go.

I am so stinking proud of you.  I am proud of you just because.  I am proud of you for being you.  I am proud of you for absolutely nothing.  I am proud of you just for being right where you are today.  

You do matter.  You are enough.  You are loved.  You rock.  Keep it up.

 (Insert high five here).

❤️KGB 

Pay Attention

  

At the end of the night I cried out for a break through.  

He reminds me of a photo.  

One I took at 9:30 this morning. 

Break through.  

So much darkness but a beautiful break through of light. Not a little break through.  A lot of break through.

Not just a break through.  Instead a beautiful breakthrough. 

You can see His glory.  You can see His glory shining on many different things and in many different directions. 

Before I ever even asked for break through; He was showing me.  Baby girl it is coming. 

It is important to pay attention.  

Not just take a pretty picture, post it and move on with your day. 

Pay attention.  All the time.  Your daddy is talking to you. Showing you.  

A Memory

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Tonight I remembered a dream of mine. Tonight memories flooded my heart.

My first job was a retail job. All my friends were pretty jealous. I made good money. Received a great discount. Had great hours. I got to put together great displays for the holidays, or set sales… It was awesome. I had found my calling.

That job started the long list of other retail jobs that I pursued. I went to school for fashion merchandising. I wanted to live in New York and create displays for major retail stores. I wanted to work, write, travel and dream big.

Then there was this boy.

This boy, may he rest in peace, stomped on my dream. Okay okay- he is not dead but he broke my heart after I had chased his dream. After I had listened to his “my life goal of fashion was stupid” comments….I gave up and followed his dream. So when he broke my heart I decided he was dead to me.

So I once again got back in retail and realized I loved when the stores closed for the evening, we would take our shoes off, crank up the radio and re-set the store. Sometimes it was just cleaning it and resizing the racks. Sometimes it was total resets for the holidays or a new store opening. I loved these times.

I loved the all nighters. Since I am an insomniac- all nighters work well for me. I loved folding and refolding. I enjoyed putting together the window displays. I enjoyed the time in the store when it was still and quiet from the hustle of the shoppers. It was probably the only time during that season of my life I wasn’t on something or drunk. Something about doing sets or new layouts made my heart so happy. I didn’t need to find a boy, take a drink, or party the night away because something else was so much more desiring…. Work.

So tonight after a crappy day. After everyone left, I didn’t want to go home and so I did what my heart did all those years ago. I planned a new grid for after the holidays. I put shirts in size order. I took out the old clip board and folded shirts. I figured out what more this holiday grid needed!

Completely alone.

With the music turned up high.

Kicked my shoes off.

Sang a little too loud.

A memory that was worth revisiting and thinking maybe it is never too late to chase this dream.

Crossroads

I battle depression. A lot.

It is a hard truth to admit. I don’t take pills and I don’t condemn those who do. I think there are different levels and degrees of depression. Some degrees require whatever means necessary to fight the demon on your back.

Sometimes I am able to snap back quickly. Somedays I am not able to shake the heavy heart and the gloom over my brain.

Those days are when I need a little extra encouragement or love. Those really tough days I feel like I am at a crossroad and I have to pick fight or die.

Yes. I said it. Fight or die. Anyone who knows how hard the struggle is would agree.

I can’t tell you what happens that bring me to this road. Some days I wake up that way. Some days I go to bed that way. Some days I see the road approaching and I am able to quickly change my route. Other days I see it approaching and nothing I do stops it.

Some times I am at this crossroad for an entire month. Sometimes I don’t see it for months.

Random demon.

That is what I call this spirit. Random demon…two words to you…you suck.

I am tired of you latching yourself to others and to me. I am tired of your lies. I am pist off at the lives you have taken. I am here to say you are messing with the wrong girl. I am standing to say I will fight you and I will win.

Why am I so confident?

I am confident because I know the truth.

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I am confident that every time you take me to this crossroad somewhere deep in my heart, soul and mind I will remember:

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I know that God is for me. I know that he created me for a purpose. I know that He loves me. I know this is true not just for me but also for any who struggle.

I know that it is hard. I know when you are in this battle or at the crossroad at times we are tired, weary, and just wanting to give up. I know fighting is hard. However- next time you are standing there deciding to fight or die remember the truth! Say it out loud! Scream it! Tell random demon to piss off!

You are loved. Your life matters. period.

❤️KGB

Thank you Renee Swope for the words of encouragement! Her post Words for the Weary here .