Oh Little Tree

Oh little tree.  I took your picture two years ago.  I saw your strength and beauty.  I was so drawn to you.  I wanted to be just like you.


Oh little tree.  I passed you today.  I turned around and parked.  Gotta out of the car and stood there.  

I could not take your picture.  

You still stood.  You still stood.

All alone. 

Looking worse then you did two years ago. 

Looking worse. Oh my heart wept. I wanted to see you big and tall.  I wanted to see the victory! I wanted to stand in your shade. 

You had one branch with green leaves.  One branch. You couldn’t provide any shade to anyone.  Not even a bird. 

I wish I had taken your picture.  I just couldn’t.  It didn’t give me much hope. 

Instead I wept. 

It was indeed a much hotter year. I should be surprised you were still even trying to bloom.

The water was much more scarce this year. I should be surprised you had any green at all. 

Oh trust me little tree I know. Digging your roots deeper for more water source can be hard.  Sometimes just taking enough water to survive is all we can do.  

We know where to get the water but something holds us back.  Shame? Exhaustion? Anger? Fear? 

Oh little tree-I get it. But guess what? I still stand, too.

After two years of being whipped around.  Looking a little beat up. After being burned multiple times.   I am still blooming even if it is just a little bit.

I  choosing to stand alone. 

In victory.  Fighting for life.
Blooming alone. 

I don’t see any  new growth  in my life either.  Life this year looks more like death was trying to take over.  Sometimes death takes place for new growth though little tree.  Hold on little tree.  

Death will not win.  Will it little tree? 

Just like you,  I stand.  I stand with one small branch of green. One branch of green.  Still alive.  Fighting. 

My heart is still green.  My heart is the one branch connected to the true water source. My heart is green because of hope and truth! 

We may look worse. We may not be taller.  Or have new branches or new leaves. We may not be able to provide more shade for others to enjoy. It is just not that season. It is not our time. Yet… But some day it will be . 

Oh little tree.  You are stronger and more beautiful because you still stand.  Even when it seemed all was loss you didn’t give up. 

You make me realize my own strength. 

I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Still deciding to do the impossible. Just like you I am having a year.  A year of  standing and digging the roots deeper into the ground. Deeper into the one true source of life! 

Stronger in the midst of a hard season. 

I am stronger and more beautiful, too.  

Oh little tree I will take your picture next year. 

Running On Empty

 
I feel so empty.  This is a dangerous feeling.

I start to look at things first to make that feeling go away. This job. That job. Those shoes. That purse. That vacation. That board on Pinterest! 

When that doesn’t work I start to look at others to fill me up.  I wonder where is that person.  I call. I text. I over commit.  I push. I ask. I beg. I chase.  I become that girl craving and needing  more and more and more. This begins to make that empty feeling into something much worse.

I busy myself to fill me up. “If I just do more” then that feeling will just shut up! Or hopefully go away. However, every single time, I just start to feel everything more. 

When I start to feel unseen, unheard, unworthy, unloved, unneeded; un- anything, it makes me come undone. 

The undone makes me feel alone, rejected, broken and ashamed. The undone wrecks me. I have to be brave! I have to be strong! So I do what I do best. Hide.  I hide from those who know me best.  I hide until I run on empty for so long that I just can’t hide it anymore. I try to hide behind “I am great!” “God is good!” Or personal favorite: the quiet girl! 

My flesh starts screaming: Validate me!!! My heart and brain scream pay attention to me! My wounds, my hurts, my deep down dreams come to the surface and scream “Damn it! Someone remember me!”

I start asking why am I here? Who am I? What is my great destiny? What if I am alone? 

When I start looking for validation.  For my worth. For my voice. For my happiness it doesn’t take long for me to run away from good things.  I give up.  I move on.  I put up walls.  I shut down. I quit.  Thinking there must be something more out there for me. So Confusion creeps in. Doubt takes over. Fear becomes the leader. I become a prisoner in my own body. Trying to run away from my own self. 

But you cannot run from yourself. 

Not a single thing here on earth can validate my heart.  And as much as I hate to admit; not a single person can fill my bucket full. My bucket seems to empty faster than anyone can fill it. Damn. What a thing to admit out loud. 

There is not enough coffee dates in the world to make this girl all better. 

Or is there? 

When I start to come undone.  After I have tried it all and after it seems all so hopeless; and when I finally cry out God shows up. He has been there all along waiting for me. 

He sits down to hear me! See me! Tell me I am not alone! Reminds me that he is proud.  He pours into me.

I am slowly reminded.  He slowly and gently reminds me I am nothing.  Nothing without him. The Daddy saying I am nothing is not harsh or cruel.  Strangely enough it seems to validate my heart faster.  The simple truth of Nothing reminds me: I don’t have to do more.  I don’t have to chase.  I don’t have to quit. I don’t have to hide.  I am His.  He made me to do nothing or be nothing.  He made me just to be! 

 I am nothing which is so beautiful when you think you have to be something in this world to be alive.

 Nothing is awesome when you realize He is everything.  

❤️KGB

After thought: So today if you are running on empty, or maybe next week or tomorrow.  I ask that you go to Him! Do not wait! Don’t run to a person, place or thing! Go to God! When you give up your validation to the only person who truly can validate you; you become a functional human again and begin to not feel so empty. You are reminded to rest. Trusts give it all some time. When You aren’t afraid to be a nothing; you can be you in the most positive way possible.  

 

When You Can’t Sleep

  
I can’t sleep. 

It has been weeks. 

I will close my eyes because I am so tired. Tired seems like an understatement. I start to drift. Then WHAM! 

Awake. 

Weak.

Shame.

Failure.

Hurt. 

Pain. 

Anger. 

The thoughts. Oh they start running.  Running over my heart and head. The words are quiet;silent whispers of memories or dreams that feel so out of reach.  Quiet screams that attack in the dark.

I try to quiet the soul. 

I cry out! 

I need you. 

Afraid.

Alone.

Overwhelmed.

In the darkness I feel His strength. 

Waves of grace.  

Forgiveness.

Love. 

Tears. 

Quickly reminded. 

Not hopeless.

Warrior. 

Beloved. 

Not forsaken. 

Awakened to hear. 

Valued. 

Enough. 

A familiar connection  when you can’t sleep.