My Love Story

   

angela and jordan …resizemypicture.com

 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

Proud Of You 

  
Some people heard this all the time while growing up.  

While many others did not.

Sigh. 

We have kids walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance from anything and everything.  Their actions scream “tell me I matter!”

Hell, we have adults walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance, too. 

I wonder what would happen if this simple statement was said more to everyone (no matter what age) how much it could change our world.  

These 5 simple words rocked some deep wounds in my own heart. 

(Thank you Sid Falco) 

The first time I remember someone saying it to me knocked the snot out of me.  I instantly asked, “For what?!”

The response “…just because…”

I questioned it.  Me?  You are proud of me? What did I do? Are you sure?  Just because? Something in me wonder what did he want? What did he know?  Was I really actually in trouble and this is just the phrase before the “but”.

For a girl who has always felt like she wasn’t worth a crap, ruined everything and sucked at life; hearing these words changed my heart.  These words opened up my mind to just maybe my life mattered and I was not a complete mess.

So many people are walking  around this world asking the wrong things and people “..am I enough? Do I belong? Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Does my life matter? What do I need to do or buy to be accepted?”  

When their hearts and mind don’t hear the right words they are searching for, they go on to the next thing, place or person. 

We walk around with these huge heavy questions for many different reasons but I believe maybe if we might have had (or could have) a few more pat on the backs, a few more “I love you” moments and definitely a few more “I am proud of you” conversations that we would question our self worth less

So what if a few of us got together and started saying more positive things.  What if we said I am proud of you?  I love you.  You are loved.  I see you.  I hear you. Way to go.  What if we said these things a lot more?  Could it change the actions, thoughts or words of others? Could we change our kids?  Could we change some adults? 

I am willing to bet we could. 

So in case you have never heard it.  Hear you go.

I am so stinking proud of you.  I am proud of you just because.  I am proud of you for being you.  I am proud of you for absolutely nothing.  I am proud of you just for being right where you are today.  

You do matter.  You are enough.  You are loved.  You rock.  Keep it up.

 (Insert high five here).

❤️KGB 

over it.

 

 I wish I could say I was over it. 

But I can’t. 

My heart is so overwhelmed.

I try to let go.

I try to not stress. 

I try to not be sad or angry. 

But I do cry. 

But I do want to run away. 

But I do want to throw a fit and scream.

But I just keep going. 

I wake up everyday and keep going.

I really don’t have a choice.

I want to just sit somewhere with a coffee in my hand and watch the sun rise everything morning. 

I want to get over this season.  

I want to just take a deep breath and have peace instead all of this that overwhelms me. 

I want joy to overwhelm me. 

I am over it.

I can’t go backwards .

I wish I could.

Even for all the wrong reasons. 

My kids are so messed up right now. 

It is all my fault. 

My two jobs, suck the life out of me every  single day.  

I did this to myself. 

The feelings of failure, and being punished consume me. 

I am suppose to find the silver lining! 

I am suppose to have a mustard seed of faith. 

I am suppose to think of all the good things and be grateful. 

Right now I just want to be over it. 

God hear my prayer! Hear the desires of my heart! Where are you?! Where are you?!? Where the hell are you?!? Did you leave me?!? The bible says you don’t forsake us! But where are you?!? 

Or are you over it, too? 

Are you over me? 

Are you holding me in your hand? 

Are you covering me with your wing? 

Am I seeing only a fraction of how bad it really could be? 

Or is this just the beginning of a huge storm?  

Oh please God get me over it. 

keeping it real

 
I am starting to wonder how much social media does one person or society really need. 

Instagram. ✔️ yep, on it.

Facebook. ✔️ yep, got it.

Twitter. ✔️ signed up.

Pinterest. ✔️✔️✔️ on it, got it and use it. 

Google+. ✔️ I guess I need that too. 

Snapchat. ✔️ um yeah okay.

And now trending Periscope. ✔️ oh hell. 

I know people are using these sites to network. To build communities. To connect. To share etc etc. All great and wonderful things…. To a certain point. 

I wonder though isn’t this just another form of showing people what you only want people to know.  Another way the enemy works his mad skills of distancing people from real life. 

Keeping peoples attention on a camera lens or a small screen. 

How much of this screen time is distracting us from seeing others. Keeping us from being Jesus to people in real life? How much is social media distracting us from His real work? 

We need-

Real friendships.

Real communities. 

We need to have real authentic people who hear you when you are silent.  Who see the tears as they fall.  Who see you smile so big when prayer is answered. Who are around when you trip on your own two feet and point and laugh!

I see the cool things people are putting out there.  Not knocking these videos.  These video messages are amazing.  But when my phone sings a little  tweet sound every few hours from the same people my heart starts to hurt for them too. My phone sings that little song a lot more lately. 

Are they seeking attention? Needing a platform? Maybe.  Maybe they feel this is an easier way to connect without putting in real time or effort.  They are just too busy to plan coffee dates or play dates. Through the camera  they can connect safely.  

Maybe they do this form of communication so they can keep from getting hurt….

Maybe they do it all just because and there is no real motive. They haven’t thought of the time spent on their smart phone.  They see a two minute video as no biggie.  When two minutes is all have you have to give; there is a bigger problem. 

Being “too busy” is a distraction too. 

Maybe it is  just another social media distraction that they have to join to be in the world.  

I see the value in the social networking sites.  But I also see the addiction.  I see people moving away from close knit friendships and more into self serving relationships. I see the social sites distractions that are hurting others. I see people who have really closed off their lives and hearts to others.  It is pathetic.  

I look around coffee shops and water parks and everyone is on their phone; normally on a social media site…..this seems crazy!  Don’t let these sites distract you from real life. People all around you are needing real conversations, real I love yous and real touch.  

I guess just like all things there is a healthy balance. I will say though finding that balance can be difficult.   Post your status updates.  Take a cute picture of your food. Review the latest gas station.  Pin the latest work out.  Periscope your thoughts on world peace.  But then go out in the world.  Put your ass in the ring.  Make some real friends. Make some new friends.  Call a sister. Call your mother.  Take some time to participate in real life.  

You only get one life  .

And NOTHING you read or watch will ever replace that.
❤️KGB 

I May Need Jessie Spano’s Caffine Pills

Most of you get my title.  Some of you may not.  It is a reference to an episode on Saved By The Bell.  I happen to think this is still the Best. Show. Ever. 

  
Here is a clip:Jessie Spano so excited!

So why do I think I need her Caffine pills? There is never enough time!  Seriously.  What I am about to share with y’all is true.  

It may either scare some of you who are contemplating doing life alone.  

It may make some of you more grateful that you don’t do life alone.  

It may make some single moms out there cry knowing they are not alone.  

Whatever it does to you please note I am not complaining; just sharing my season of life right now.

My schedule is crazy.  I officially have decided busy is an understatement! 

  
Here is why: 

There is 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day.  So 168 hours in a week. I know I know…simple math but stay with me gotta set up the word problem.

I have one job I work roughly 40 hours.  

I have another job that I work 25 hours a week.  Some weeks I can do 30.  

It takes me about 20 minutes  to work in the morning and 20 minutes home in the evening. The two jobs are minutes apart.  So drive time I will say each week is 3 hours (probably more but just for good measure).  

So here is the math: 168-40-25-3 equals 100.  Are you tired yet? 

So now I am down to 100 hours.  I sleep about 6 hours a night.  So 42 hours a week I am sleeping or try to sleep.  See my earlier post and you would know I don’t sleep that much. 

So 58 hours a week is what I have left in my time bank.  Which Monday thru Friday I have around 5 hours a day in which I am left trying to fit in: showering, eating, being a mom, laundry, cleaning, cooking, being a friend, going to the gym, etc etc.  

  
Saturday and Sunday there is groceries to be bought.  Work to still be done.  Extra activities to participate in.  This is why I lately I can’t do it all.  Or be it all.  I don’t always get to return phone calls; even text messages.  Or send the perfect email. Or get to do all the fun things I want to do!  Some days I am wanting to put up my feet and watch Netflix all day, but I feel guilty as soon as I even try to rest. 

  
However, I am trying to be excited.  Trying.  Some days I am VERY excited  to see where God takes me.  Excited to be in this season but even more excited to see where this season takes me.  I am grateful for the provision, the strength, the grace and NEW mercy given to me daily.  

Some days I am scared. Very scared. Scared of failing as a mom.  As an employee.  As a friend.  Scared I am going to screw it all up.  Wondering where did my day go? Looking at the clock thinking man will I be able to do that or this today? How will I ever make it through the week? 

One thing for sure is I don’t need Jessie’s pills. 

  
My hope is not trusting caffeine  pills, or red bull or more hours in a day. There is no hope with dope!!! 😁😁😁 

He is my hope. This season may be busy.  However, there is a reason. There is beauty even in all of this.  I just have to trust him.  Ask to see the lesson.  Ask to see the beauty.  Ask for rest.  Ask for my steps to be directed daily so I don’t miss any opportunity.  

So single mommas out there: I raise my glass to you tonight! I am so proud of every single one of you.  Keeping up with the crazy schedules! You go girl! Keep it up! Don’t be scared! He has you! Be excited! Drink that coffee but more importantly be still and know. 

❤️KGB 

Not Fine 

  Some days are harder than others. 
Tonight the lies creep in.

The lies come flooding in every few weeks.  The great flood of 2015.  2nd choice flood.  Not worth fighting for flood.  Not enough flood.  The alone for life flood. 

The words come so hard I have to sit on the floor and try to not punch the wall! I swear it feels like I have been sucker punched yet again. 

All of this because I wanted to make some stinking delicious green chile rellenos.  But making rellenos for one just opened a freaking flood gate of emotions.  Do you know how much work those suckers are for one?  Then I think well I don’t have anyone else to make them for! If I did I would do it in a heart beat! I would invite them over! Serve them! Do their laundry while we chatted. 

Seriously I am that much of an idiot! 

That is the problem. 

Reality is it was not the chile that pushed me over the edge.  It just seemed like it was.  

However; it is this shitty attitude of feeling 2nd to everything and everyone right now. 

How or better yet why I am overly eager to do things for others and rearrange my schedule to please others and how I constantly wonder about them- and yet here I am and where are they? Not here crying with me on the floor. 

They are off doing great things that I was (once again) not invited to! 

How do I overcome this? How do I find new friends that want to love me and cherish me? How do I find people who want new friends? Where do I find those who aren’t afraid to invite one more? How do you find friends who see the good, the transparency and find it so awesome that they call! They invite! 

Where are the great people that take notice when I say I am fine when reality is I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again! 

Where are these people who desire true friendships.  Not these fake bullshit play dates and keeping up with Jones family or whoever the trend is today! Where are people who truly want another friend? Where are the ones who can be themselves with you 100% of the time and are grateful to have found that friend! 

My heart gives up. Feeling pretty hopeless. Being everyone’s 2nd choice or back up plan makes me crazy.  Wonder if Jesus ever felt this way?  So for now Jesus and coffee  is my new bff.  Screw people.  For now.  No more will I chase after those who don’t deserve me. 

Bye Felicia. 

❤️KGB 

Running On Empty

 
I feel so empty.  This is a dangerous feeling.

I start to look at things first to make that feeling go away. This job. That job. Those shoes. That purse. That vacation. That board on Pinterest! 

When that doesn’t work I start to look at others to fill me up.  I wonder where is that person.  I call. I text. I over commit.  I push. I ask. I beg. I chase.  I become that girl craving and needing  more and more and more. This begins to make that empty feeling into something much worse.

I busy myself to fill me up. “If I just do more” then that feeling will just shut up! Or hopefully go away. However, every single time, I just start to feel everything more. 

When I start to feel unseen, unheard, unworthy, unloved, unneeded; un- anything, it makes me come undone. 

The undone makes me feel alone, rejected, broken and ashamed. The undone wrecks me. I have to be brave! I have to be strong! So I do what I do best. Hide.  I hide from those who know me best.  I hide until I run on empty for so long that I just can’t hide it anymore. I try to hide behind “I am great!” “God is good!” Or personal favorite: the quiet girl! 

My flesh starts screaming: Validate me!!! My heart and brain scream pay attention to me! My wounds, my hurts, my deep down dreams come to the surface and scream “Damn it! Someone remember me!”

I start asking why am I here? Who am I? What is my great destiny? What if I am alone? 

When I start looking for validation.  For my worth. For my voice. For my happiness it doesn’t take long for me to run away from good things.  I give up.  I move on.  I put up walls.  I shut down. I quit.  Thinking there must be something more out there for me. So Confusion creeps in. Doubt takes over. Fear becomes the leader. I become a prisoner in my own body. Trying to run away from my own self. 

But you cannot run from yourself. 

Not a single thing here on earth can validate my heart.  And as much as I hate to admit; not a single person can fill my bucket full. My bucket seems to empty faster than anyone can fill it. Damn. What a thing to admit out loud. 

There is not enough coffee dates in the world to make this girl all better. 

Or is there? 

When I start to come undone.  After I have tried it all and after it seems all so hopeless; and when I finally cry out God shows up. He has been there all along waiting for me. 

He sits down to hear me! See me! Tell me I am not alone! Reminds me that he is proud.  He pours into me.

I am slowly reminded.  He slowly and gently reminds me I am nothing.  Nothing without him. The Daddy saying I am nothing is not harsh or cruel.  Strangely enough it seems to validate my heart faster.  The simple truth of Nothing reminds me: I don’t have to do more.  I don’t have to chase.  I don’t have to quit. I don’t have to hide.  I am His.  He made me to do nothing or be nothing.  He made me just to be! 

 I am nothing which is so beautiful when you think you have to be something in this world to be alive.

 Nothing is awesome when you realize He is everything.  

❤️KGB

After thought: So today if you are running on empty, or maybe next week or tomorrow.  I ask that you go to Him! Do not wait! Don’t run to a person, place or thing! Go to God! When you give up your validation to the only person who truly can validate you; you become a functional human again and begin to not feel so empty. You are reminded to rest. Trusts give it all some time. When You aren’t afraid to be a nothing; you can be you in the most positive way possible.