I see you looking at me.
Looking straight into my eyes even when I won’t return the gaze. I see you looking deep into them. Seeing past the hurt and seeing the potential. Seeing the sweet beauty that is fully awakened but can’t come alive; being held hostage by bitterness, fear and mistrust.
You see the amazing things I have done and can still do.
I see you looking past my harsh tones when I speak. Past my disgruntle body language.
You look and see me as a brave strong woman with no flaws… a woman with only grace and love.
You see my smile even when I won’t smile. I don’t ever want to smile. You see it there loud and clear hidden behind lack of confidence and loud insecurities. Someone always looking for validation.
I see you looking at the scars and stretch marks. Wanting for others to only see the stories behind them all. You don’t find them ugly like I do. You see them as lovely reminders. You see the journey. You see the body struggles as daily reminders of victory.
You see the permanent ink on my body. Warrior. Beloved. So it goes. They mean so much to me and strangely they means as much to you.
You hear the lion roaring. You see the pink flamingo standing on one leg with such poise and balance that only a few can master. The self taught self control.
You look past my tears and the wounds and see me. You hear me. You value me.
I see you smile and refusing to believe the mess. Refusing to see me as anything less then beautiful.
Oh mirror on the wall. That true self reflection is overwhelming.
Lately I feel like this…..
I feel like a prisoner. I can see this beautiful paradise place just up ahead and yet I just can’t reach it. No matter what I do I can’t get past the bars. I can’t slip through. I can’t force them to open. I can’t make them disappear. I am a prisoner behind bars and all I can do is see the beauty and dream about getting there some day soon.
I saw this on pinterest and agree that this is a lie. 100%. However, the “just fine” part is the lie. The just tired is truth. Aren’t we all just tired when we are faking the just fine part. It is so much easier to say “just tired” for them and for me. “Just tired” is the only thing that escapes my heart and mind. I freely can let these words come out. “Just tired” is less complicated.
I hear these words and my lips take a deep…deep… Breathe. Oh yes I feel like I am drowning…. How can that be?!? How can one drown with so much trust…peace…faith?! Am I allowing myself to drown? Or is He so he can rescue me big? Is the drowning growing me and stretching me?! How is that in this very moment of time it feels okay to drown?! I am positive it is okay because I know He won’t let me.
Most of all I cling to this. Silence. Silence keeps me from doing anything drastic. Silence keeps my heart from jumping. Silence reminds me of the truth. Silence is truly better than bullshit.
Maybe this sums it all up for you and me. Step back and out of my light if you can’t handle me. I go deep. I love big. I work hard. I dive in head first. I am real. I am honest. I am me.
I am a prisoner right now being kept from paradise. I would rather lie and say I am fine and just tired and hope that keeps me from needing to explain. I feel like I am drowning but in a freaky good way. I know silence is better than hearing bullshit.
I am not afraid to be anything less than me. And this thought right here leads me to this…