34 and I am okay

Today- I am 34.  

Sigh. Happy Birthday to me. No really happy! 34 and I am going to be happy.  I know He has promised me this. 

Recently I watched Last Holiday.  Again, for the 5th time. Have you seen it?! The movie has Queen Latifah in it and is a very sweet cute movie.  

This time though I heard some movie lines that got stuck in my heart. Words were said that a normal person watching the movie would just laugh at it and move on but no not me.  There were quotes that days later my mind wanted to explore. So here they are! 

1.  “The cost of a median cranial debulking surgery is around $340,000. That’s without anesthesia. You’ll want that.”

Insert big chuckle here! 
So again I know this is a movie.  But here is what the next few days looked like when dissecting this quote. 

Lately with all the stress, pressure, wounds,  and hurts…. My brain feels like I have a tumor.  I feel like I am receiving one of these surgeries without anesthesia; which according to the movie; I really want that.  

Something about this line.  I chuckled during the movie but a little whisper said hold on to that.  So I did. 

I googled median cranial debulking and this is what came up:

Debulking[1] is the surgical removal[2] of part of a malignant tumour which cannot be completely excised, so as to enhance the effectiveness of radiation or chemotherapy. Blah,blah, blah 

And then it says this: 

It is usually a long and often complicated procedure taking several hours or more to perform, depending on internal involvement and location.

No joke! Long and complicated? Internal involvement and location?  My heart and mind is being squeezed by tumors and surgery needs to take place to enhance chemo or radiation.  Has the surgery begun already without anesthesia!?!? And if so can I opt now for that anesthesia? Ummm but more importantly and excuse me, but God, what are these tumors that you speak of!!

It’s not a tumor! 

Whew.  So before I freak any of you out.  I don’t really have a real life tumor.

God sweetly spoke to me about guilt being a tumor here and shame being a tumor over there and !oh look! A great big failure tumor is taking up the whole front section!   

He began showing me lies upon lies that were just like real tumors in my brain. He asked me to write them down.   I wasn’t that shocked by the list. I did try to argue with him and say will this freedom class took care of that and that heartquest zapped that right out of me!  However, you know how well that argument went. Those tumors were added to the list.

God quickly said oh baby girl those “chemo” sessions worked but these tumors are back.  This time we are debulking and without anesthesia! Gulp! 

But God!!!! What about anesthesia?  Cause this sounds painful, sounds scary and I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I want to be numb, knocked out and not feeling a thing! 

What do you think He said?  You can’t afford it. You can’t go through all this numb.  You want it but you don’t need it. 

Where there is pain there is growth.  I can’t afford to miss that. 

2.”You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”

No more hustle.  It is the trend right now, isn’t it?! All the funny hustle shirts and quotes.

Do y’all even know what Hustle means? Yeah it sound great but do you know what it means? Well here you go:

move hurriedly or unceremoniously in a specified direction.

“they hustled him into the back of a horse-drawn wagon”

obtain by forceful action or persuasion.

“the brothers headed to New York to try and hustle a record deal”

busy movement and activity.

“the hustle and bustle of the big cities”

a fraud or swindle.

No more.  I will no longer hustle. I won’t be a grad.  I won’t keep up.  I won’t stay busy.  I want to sit. I want to be still.   I will no longer hustle to prove I deserve to be chosen or  I will no longer hustle for others to see me by busy movement or activity! I will not hustle to prove my worth! 

Queen Latifah says this quick little line in her movie and it stayed in my mind for days! I no longer what to hustle for the wrong reasons.  I am soooooooo tired of hustling and soooo tired of looking up after a long season hustling and wondering what the crap?!!

3. “We will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid”

This line. This line is His promise to me.  34 I will be happy. 

I have walked a very long road in fear.  I certainly don’t laugh enough.  <GULP> I don’t love enough.

We…. We is important here because I am not alone.  I am not alone. He has confirmed He is with me. We will laugh more! We will love more! And we won’t be so afraid! 

So happy birthday to me. I will end it with this: it pretty much sums it all up! The best way possible-



Before I die…


The big 33 today. My life is not what I thought it would be.  My heart aches. I am scared. Starting over is a tough adventure. Walking it out daily I have so much doubt.  Finding that someday land feels further and further away.  I am so jealous.  I am so hurt.  I feel so forgotten.  I fake my smile a lot. Hope fades in and out.  I wonder about things.  I need a bucket list.  A hope list.  I list that I dream about about and seek after. Intentional choices to reach my best potential. 

Here is my list… 

1. I would love to take my kids to a beach. Let them feel the sand in their toes and see the ocean. A little fresh air, salt water and some sweet memories. Let them see something bigger than the local pool. 

2. I need to help my kids grow and learn continuously; I have slacked too much this year.  Hell, I need to grow.  This year I have to make it up to them. I have to put on my big girl panties and step up.  Time to put their oxygen mask on.  Love, love and more love. 

3. I need to spend more time being a good mom and less time worried about tomorrow. I can’t keep waiting for someday land. I gotta do it now.

4. Needing to take some precious time to create long lasting memories with them. Being intentional about my choice, words and actions.  Grace upon grace.  It is not too late. I haven’t missed any boat! 

5.  Speaking of a boat! I want to take a cruise!!! I need a vacation. To get away. To hear him. To sleep. To laugh.  To breathe.  To find me. 

6. Something new.  This year I need something new that the three of us do together.  

7.  Looking forward to planning a trip to New York for my 40th with a friend! Or two! 

8. Boy do I want to write a book. And write more. Blog and journal!!! Lord give me the words and the time! 

9. Start  a Photography business but first a camera would be awesome! 

10. But most of all to find contentment in my life. The journey I am on is tough and waiting for someday land makes life sad.  I need to enjoy each day for what it is.  To be grateful where I am.  To have hope and desires and to remember I am not forgotten.  I have missed nothing! And He has big plans for me.  
Lord- I pray 33 is going to be new.  A change for the better.  An adventure for my kids and I. I cry out.  I whisper my pains, my desires and aches.  Lord direct my steps!