Single 101: Part 3

Part 3

You know I have kids, right?

You might have kids or not have kids. For some of us: this is our season of life right now.  In the last two years, I know 5 moms who have all gotten divorced.  Many of us are starting over in the career world, and the dating world.  With kids.  My kids are not my identity but, um duh, a very huge part of my life.  

I will continue to put their needs 1st before my dating life. 

You need to continue to put your kids first.  My main advice: don’t rely on a new relationship to help you be a better parent. Many people rush into a relationship to make single parenting life easier.  I am sorry but do you want a wife or husband or do you need a nanny?  

You need to be a confident parent on your own before you bring someone new into your life.  

Again, see part 1 and part two. If any of those areas need some work, then maybe dating should wait.  How will you know if the new person will mesh well with your children’s hearts and personality; without knowing if you can be friends first with that person? How can you say you want this person around your kids without knowing if God is in their life?  Do you know if they are financially stable? Do you if you are financially stable? 

Again, you will not notice red flags if you aren’t confident on your own.

I have two kids and want a partner not another child.  I want a partner.  However, having a partner will never come before my kids.  

You already have an existing tribe that you oversee the care of and adding a tribe member is serious.  Yep, you heard me, a tribe. At my house, we have a sign that says: “Our Tribe. Establish 2015. ” Our tribe is exclusive.  My kids have been hurt.  I have been hurt.  Our tribe is re-establishing.  I won’t rush them or myself.  I won’t be selfish and let someone into the tribe that will or could possibly hurt us more or cause chaos.  I know that whoever God brings to this tribe will be patient, will not push, and have lots of respect. 

Don’t bring people in without knowing that they have a lasting place in the tribe.  Everyone who is in the tribe has needs that are different.  Right now if all the needs aren’t being met then how can you bring in another?  

The relationship between you and the person your dating should be solid before bringing them to the tribe.  I hope in your new relationship, you can recognize if someone is forcing a relationship on your child or children or yourself.   Raise your hand if you have seen another person join a tribe too soon or before the new tribe had re-established itself.   Didn’t it make life 10x harder than it needed to be?  Did it take years to fix?   Did heal or hurt?   If they are overly eager to be in their life or moving too fast; you should be protecting your kids hearts and minds from that craziness.  

Your children are the most important thing.  That is your legacy.  This is your 1st priority.  You will know when the time is right if you are confident in yourself, seeking God for direction and have a solid tribe before you introduce someone new to it.
Again, this is my thoughts.  Things I 100% believe in.  My story is still being written but I won’t settle.  I will protect my tribe.  I am raising a queen and king.  I am getting my shit together.  I won’t apologize for that.  I won’t apologize for taking care of them or myself 1st. 
❤KGB 
 

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Single 101: What You Need to Know

Part One

Several serious relationships.  1 Marriage.  1 divorce.  2 Years of being single.  Knowing many married women. Many more single women.  I have learned a lot.  I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else.  My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.

Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?


There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever.  She would love whoever came into her life.  She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave.  The process would start all over.  She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life.  At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy.  Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little.  Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence.  Having a person is a want not a need.  I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl.  I needed another because my heart had holes.  I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man.  I needed my soul to be validated.  I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy.  I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.  

Well ladies, a man cannot do that.   

Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you?  Date yourself.  Know yourself. Care for yourself.  Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.

Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)

Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog.  After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term.   How do you know it if you are settling?  Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone?  Or are your expectations too high or too low?  How do you know if you are being realistic?  How do recognize a red flag?  When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through?  I mean come on relationships are work.  You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.

All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together.  Know yourself.  Your identity should not be wrapped up in another.  You should know what you want in your own life.  Again: You should love yourself.  How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you?  Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.  

If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling.  If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face.  You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.

Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.

Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did.  Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself.  He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death!  Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill.  Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this.  Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himselfHe could love himself and others because he loved his fatherHe knew his identity was in God.  So go back to thought 1:  He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.

Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone.  Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways.  However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own.   Equal.  Partners.  Building each other up.

So let that all sink in.  Where are you in this journey?  Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too.  Don’t fret.  Seek God during this time.  Pick up a new hobby.  Meet some new friends.  Try a new church.  Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are.  You are not alone! You are loved.  You are seen, heard, and valuable.  Don’t give in to those thoughts.  Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own. 

Come back tomorrow for part two!  Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB 

My Love Story

   

angela and jordan …resizemypicture.com

 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

Feels like a Death

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I have been to many funerals.

I have been to a few where a life was taken way too soon. A baby, a toddler, a high school student, all completely unexpected. I have been to a few where a life was gone after years or months of fighting against cancer or an illness. I have been to a few where the person was older. They had lived a long productive life and it was just their time.

No matter which one the grief was still there. There was still this hole left behind from the person who was gone.

What amazes me is how I feel today is like I am at a funeral. I feel like a death has taken place. My heart is full of grief.

As I sit in my car waiting to walk the few steps; I keep thinking about all the people I have had to say good bye to and the few I didn’t get a chance to. I wish I could tell a few just one more time that I loved them. A few I wish I had gotten a chance to tell them they had made me happy. Oh how I wish I had gotten to hold a few of them one more time. Grief of their death is still so fresh. Especially today.

Weird how one death will remind you of all deaths. Weird how this feels like death.

11 years with a person and you never think it will come to this.

Yet the person is still alive. I will still see him walking around. I will see him with the kids or at certain events in life. So even though he is and will be very much alive…. Our divorce feels like a death.

My heart feels like I am grieving a death.

And maybe that is exactly what divorce is suppose to feel like. A death to dreams and hopes you had for each other. Death to your relationship. Death to the love you once had. Death to a marriage that really feels like we fought cancer for years. Death to a marriage that ended way too soon.  Death to something that never seemed would die.  

Death that feels so sudden and out of nowhere.

I don’t know.

Today I go to sign papers for a divorce and it feels like a death in my heart.

❤️KGB