Single 101: Part 3

Part 3

You know I have kids, right?

You might have kids or not have kids. For some of us: this is our season of life right now.  In the last two years, I know 5 moms who have all gotten divorced.  Many of us are starting over in the career world, and the dating world.  With kids.  My kids are not my identity but, um duh, a very huge part of my life.  

I will continue to put their needs 1st before my dating life. 

You need to continue to put your kids first.  My main advice: don’t rely on a new relationship to help you be a better parent. Many people rush into a relationship to make single parenting life easier.  I am sorry but do you want a wife or husband or do you need a nanny?  

You need to be a confident parent on your own before you bring someone new into your life.  

Again, see part 1 and part two. If any of those areas need some work, then maybe dating should wait.  How will you know if the new person will mesh well with your children’s hearts and personality; without knowing if you can be friends first with that person? How can you say you want this person around your kids without knowing if God is in their life?  Do you know if they are financially stable? Do you if you are financially stable? 

Again, you will not notice red flags if you aren’t confident on your own.

I have two kids and want a partner not another child.  I want a partner.  However, having a partner will never come before my kids.  

You already have an existing tribe that you oversee the care of and adding a tribe member is serious.  Yep, you heard me, a tribe. At my house, we have a sign that says: “Our Tribe. Establish 2015. ” Our tribe is exclusive.  My kids have been hurt.  I have been hurt.  Our tribe is re-establishing.  I won’t rush them or myself.  I won’t be selfish and someone go the tribe that will or could possibly hurt us more or cause chaos.  I know that whoever God brings to this tribe will be patient, will not push, and have lots of respect. 

Don’t bring people in without knowing that they have a lasting place in the tribe.  Everyone who is in the tribe has needs that are different.  Right now if all the needs aren’t being met then how can you bring in another?  

The relationship between you and the person your dating should be solid before bringing them to the tribe.  I hope in your new relationship, you can recognize if someone is forcing a relationship on your child or children.  Raise your hand if you have seen another person join a tribe too soon or before the new tribe had re-established itself.   Didn’t it make life 10x harder than it needed to be?  Did it take years to fix?   Did heal or hurt?   If they are overly eager to be in their life or moving too fast; you should be protecting your kids hearts and minds from that craziness.  

Your children are the most important thing.  That is your legacy.  This is your 1st priority.  You will know when the time is right if you are confident in yourself, seeking God for direction and have a solid tribe before you introduce someone new to it.
Again, this is my thoughts.  Things I 100% believe in.  My story is still being written but I won’t settle.  I will protect my tribe.  I am raising a queen and king.  I am getting my shit together.  I won’t apologize for that. 
❤KGB 
 

Single 101: Part Two

Part 2

More thoughts and wisdom on being single. 


Sugar Daddy or Momma?

That is funny but let’s be honest.

You should not be with someone because of money.  Money runs out or can go away.  My advice: You should be supporting yourself.  Are you standing on your own two feet?  If they have money or you have money great, but if you are looking for a person with money then you are looking for love to feel a need.  You have clearly missed #1 and #2 (see Part One).  

Money is not the answer to life’s problems.


I wonder if whoever said that had ever been without, but reality is, this statement is true. I would rather know that if anything happens I will still be okay, then one day be out and wonder now what the hell am I going to do.   Oh! Wait I have been there.  I didn’t marry for money. I loved him despite of no money but I did get in a situation that I could not support myself; stupid me.   If you can’t 100% say you are independent then I would say it is time to get there and another reason to be single. 

Where is God in your life?

I need God.  I daily need him.  That means you need him too.  Do you pray? Do you attend church?  Do you worship God and listen to his prompts?  I want to not hear that you do this.  I want to see your life reflect Christ.  I know that no relationship or marriage will sustain without God.  How can I be prepared for a relationship or be ready for a relationship if I don’t daily go to my creator and get poured into.  

How can you be?  

I can’t love another fully if I can’t see through the right lenses.  Grace. Love. Mercy. Self-Control. Patience.  A sound mind.  My heart can’t validate anyone else’s heart, and my heart can only get validation from God.  I don’t want someone draining me every day because they are seeking from the world and seeking God through me.   God must be present in your life.

Are we friends?

Why rush into a dating relationship?  Can you be friends first?  I think this is important.  It is also proven that lasting relationships happen when there was a friendship first and love grew from that.   It seems like it is all or nothing with some men/woman.  

Why is that?

I want someone I know well.  Can I name your mom or sister?  Do we have some crazy story we share?  I know some people think a friendship is just like dating.  Friendships no matter what the outcome you are trying to achieve can look like dating.   However; you will know the difference.  I don’t kiss my friends.  I don’t hold their hands.  There is a level on which some things are going to be saved for a relationship status.  

I once met a great guy.  We were friends, at least, in my mind. I told him from the beginning: I just need to start slow and be friends.  I am not ready to date.  It was fine with him; until he started dating another.   Then my so-called friend no longer called or text.   I know some people think you can’t be friends with another of the opposite sex.  I completely disagree.   

I can assume the worse in this guy or the new girl in his life, but I prefer to think it was just God.  Slow down when you meet someone.  Don’t look to define the relationship right away.  Just be friends.  Have coffee, get to know each other, and let time tell you if this friendship should be more. Let friendship turn into dates! 

So are you self supported? Are you looking for a Godly man?  Are you trying to jump into a relationship or are you trying to be friends first.  

These are important goals to have set in your life before moving into a relationship.  

Stay tune for part 3! ❤ KGB 

Single 101: What You Need to Know

Part One

Several serious relationships.  1 Marriage.  1 divorce.  2 Years of being single.  Knowing many married women. Many more single women.  I have learned a lot.  I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else.  My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.

Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?


There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever.  She would love whoever came into her life.  She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave.  The process would start all over.  She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life.  At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy.  Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little.  Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence.  Having a person is a want not a need.  I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl.  I needed another because my heart had holes.  I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man.  I needed my soul to be validated.  I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy.  I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.  

Well ladies, a man cannot do that.   

Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you?  Date yourself.  Know yourself. Care for yourself.  Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.

Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)

Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog.  After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term.   How do you know it if you are settling?  Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone?  Or are your expectations too high or too low?  How do you know if you are being realistic?  How do recognize a red flag?  When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through?  I mean come on relationships are work.  You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.

All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together.  Know yourself.  Your identity should not be wrapped up in another.  You should know what you want in your own life.  Again: You should love yourself.  How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you?  Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.  

If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling.  If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face.  You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.

Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.

Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did.  Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself.  He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death!  Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill.  Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this.  Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himselfHe could love himself and others because he loved his fatherHe knew his identity was in God.  So go back to thought 1:  He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.

Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone.  Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways.  However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own.   Equal.  Partners.  Building each other up.

So let that all sink in.  Where are you in this journey?  Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too.  Don’t fret.  Seek God during this time.  Pick up a new hobby.  Meet some new friends.  Try a new church.  Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are.  You are not alone! You are loved.  You are seen, heard, and valuable.  Don’t give in to those thoughts.  Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own. 

Come back tomorrow for part two!  Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB 

34 and I am okay


Today- I am 34.  

Sigh. Happy Birthday to me. No really happy! 34 and I am going to be happy.  I know He has promised me this. 

Recently I watched Last Holiday.  Again, for the 5th time. Have you seen it?! The movie has Queen Latifah in it and is a very sweet cute movie.  

This time though I heard some movie lines that got stuck in my heart. Words were said that a normal person watching the movie would just laugh at it and move on but no not me.  There were quotes that days later my mind wanted to explore. So here they are! 

1.  “The cost of a median cranial debulking surgery is around $340,000. That’s without anesthesia. You’ll want that.”

Insert big chuckle here! 
So again I know this is a movie.  But here is what the next few days looked like when dissecting this quote. 

Lately with all the stress, pressure, wounds,  and hurts…. My brain feels like I have a tumor.  I feel like I am receiving one of these surgeries without anesthesia; which according to the movie; I really want that.  

Something about this line.  I chuckled during the movie but a little whisper said hold on to that.  So I did. 

I googled median cranial debulking and this is what came up:

Debulking[1] is the surgical removal[2] of part of a malignant tumour which cannot be completely excised, so as to enhance the effectiveness of radiation or chemotherapy. Blah,blah, blah 

And then it says this: 

It is usually a long and often complicated procedure taking several hours or more to perform, depending on internal involvement and location.



No joke! Long and complicated? Internal involvement and location?  My heart and mind is being squeezed by tumors and surgery needs to take place to enhance chemo or radiation.  Has the surgery begun already without anesthesia!?!? And if so can I opt now for that anesthesia? Ummm but more importantly and excuse me, but God, what are these tumors that you speak of!!


It’s not a tumor! 

Whew.  So before I freak any of you out.  I don’t really have a real life tumor.

God sweetly spoke to me about guilt being a tumor here and shame being a tumor over there and !oh look! A great big failure tumor is taking up the whole front section!   

He began showing me lies upon lies that were just like real tumors in my brain. He asked me to write them down.   I wasn’t that shocked by the list. I did try to argue with him and say will this freedom class took care of that and that heartquest zapped that right out of me!  However, you know how well that argument went. Those tumors were added to the list.

God quickly said oh baby girl those “chemo” sessions worked but these tumors are back.  This time we are debulking and without anesthesia! Gulp! 

But God!!!! What about anesthesia?  Cause this sounds painful, sounds scary and I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I want to be numb, knocked out and not feeling a thing! 

What do you think He said?  You can’t afford it. You can’t go through all this numb.  You want it but you don’t need it. 

Where there is pain there is growth.  I can’t afford to miss that. 

2.”You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”

No more hustle.  It is the trend right now, isn’t it?! All the funny hustle shirts and quotes.

Do y’all even know what Hustle means? Yeah it sound great but do you know what it means? Well here you go:

move hurriedly or unceremoniously in a specified direction.

“they hustled him into the back of a horse-drawn wagon”

obtain by forceful action or persuasion.

“the brothers headed to New York to try and hustle a record deal”

busy movement and activity.

“the hustle and bustle of the big cities”

a fraud or swindle.

No more.  I will no longer hustle. I won’t be a grad.  I won’t keep up.  I won’t stay busy.  I want to sit. I want to be still.   I will no longer hustle to prove I deserve to be chosen or  I will no longer hustle for others to see me by busy movement or activity! I will not hustle to prove my worth! 

Queen Latifah says this quick little line in her movie and it stayed in my mind for days! I no longer what to hustle for the wrong reasons.  I am soooooooo tired of hustling and soooo tired of looking up after a long season hustling and wondering what the crap?!!

3. “We will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid”

This line. This line is His promise to me.  34 I will be happy. 

I have walked a very long road in fear.  I certainly don’t laugh enough.  <GULP> I don’t love enough.

We…. We is important here because I am not alone.  I am not alone. He has confirmed He is with me. We will laugh more! We will love more! And we won’t be so afraid! 

So happy birthday to me. I will end it with this: it pretty much sums it all up! The best way possible-

❤️KGB 

My Love Story

   

angela and jordan …resizemypicture.com

 Every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end.  A unique path that we walk.

Some love stories are beautiful.  Some are just plain brutal.  

Many love stories are kept as a secret due to the shame or gut wrenching brokenness that came from loving another.  

Or for some of us; we hide our stories due to the irrational thoughts of being dragged out in the street and then stoned by our peers.  Can you say  #Judgement.

Well this is my story. I suppose  it is a little of everything.

I grew up watching way too many happy ending tv shows.  Too many shows that left my heart and brain with relationship expectations thinking that in the end all would work out to be a happily ever after ending.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I think it just didn’t really prepare me for real life.  Ha! Imagine that! 

Instead; I saw Winnie and Kevin end up together. Zach and Kelly. Danny and Sandy.  Chandler and Monica.  Ross and Rachel.

Sigh….

I mean even Mr.Big and Carrie ended up with a happy freaking love story after all their crazy mess.  Which is a good thing.  It shows relationships are hard work…take time…etc etc..but so far…My love story is not anything like these great epic tv love stories. 

I am divorced.  I can’t say I never thought I would be.  I had high hopes that we would not. I had hopes that  after all we had endured that just maybe there was going to be a legacy left for generations to come.  I had hope that we would be the couple that made it after all. That we would make it to the whole “till death  do us part”…. 

Boy was I ever wrong. Damn expectations can ruin everything.

I met him at a retail store when I was 18.  He was five years older and had a girlfriend.  It was okay though  I had a boyfriend. 

I quit working there and yet our paths kept crossing.  Concerts. The waterpark. Then I started working at a bar and his best friend happened to work there.  

So we started hanging out.  I can’t say we dated.  There was no dates.  Mainly drinking and sex.  We were an instant couple.  But soon we broke up cause he didn’t know if I was the one. His friends kept telling him there were more fish out there…perhaps even better…that is when I starting attacking my own self worth.  He wasn’t the first one who made me think this way but because of his actions and words the lie grew.  “I wasn’t good enough” was a lie I believed. A lie I picked at. This lie grew bigger and bigger.  

During all this mess I know he was still messing around with others.  I stood by waiting to be chosen and when I finally had enough nerve to end it…I got pregnant instead.

During the pregnancy he bought a house. I moved in.  He would cheat, I would confront and he would do the whole crappy deny/apologize game.  Never once actually being truthful about what happened or what was going on.  I always received the “it will never happen again” apology.   This cycle happened a lot.  I really thought when my baby came that he would change.  

We all know that didn’t happen. 

Somewhere in all this mess we moved to Texas.  I really thought the move would make him see what a great catch I was. However,  stupid me.  Why was I trying to still prove myself to someone who couldn’t really see me because of his own issues?  Why did I keep thinking I could save him? 

I eventually found out some other girl still had his attention.  This is where I got stupid.  I told him to marry me or I would leave.  This forever has haunted me.  He didn’t pick me. I gave him an ultimatum. 

Those words, him cheating, my brokenness and many more mistakes left our relationship on a really bad foundation. 

We got married. Had another baby. 

Another crappy event happened. 

However; I was determined to make things work.  I prayed more.  Went to church.  Searched for myself more.  MY Chains started falling.  The more freedom I received; the more I pulled away. The more I noticed I couldn’t save him.

Freedom started stirring my heart. Freedom made me face some heavy deep lies. Freedom made me want more freedom. 

Somewhere along the way I found her.  I found this girl who was broken because of things that had been done. Not all his fault.  I had continued.  I had let it happen.  I had made unhealthy choices along the way.  I started to realize how sad and angry I was.  How I had forgiven him but somehow was not willing to forgive myself.  Deep down I felt like I had manipulated him into marrying me.  I felt like he needed me but not wanted me.  I felt not good enough.  Not the one for him. Something in me wanted proof.  Something in me wanted to test our love but I didn’t know how.  I went on Heart Quest and came back knowing some serious truths about my life.  It was time to draw a line and wait. 

I wanted him to chase me. To date me. To pursue. Instead I got screamed at.  Accused. Threats. It all happened so quickly.  The more things happened. The more I shut down. He filed for divorce and I cheated.  Yeah you read that.  I slept with a man while still married.   I did the thing that I knew he would never forgive me for. 

Maybe his words and actions pushed me; but I blame myself for not reaching out for some help. I had drawn a line but had never attended for it to end like this.  I just pulled away and justified my actions.  I had peace but for all the wrong reasons.  Had peace because it all felt justified.  Had peace because I knew no matter what God used all things for good.  But in the moment Pride was winning. So was it peace or forced peace from pride?  

The marriage was over before I even knew how to speak up.  Friends who had fought for their own marriage for 5-6 years couldn’t believe we hit a “rough patch” and it was over in 5-6 months. I lost him. I lost myself. I didn’t know how to save us.

Our foundation was to blame. Cheating. Lies. Rejection. Manipulation. Pride.  Insecurities.  You name it and I promise you it was there.  And it was put there by both of us.  It is not all his fault.  Our foundation was not built on love,trust, honor, respect, self-worth or most importantly God.  

The thing is our foundation could have been repaired but neither one of us wanted to stop our stupid pride.  Neither one of us were willing to listen to other. We listened to the other through our own hurt.  We listened to reply instead of truly listening. 

So now here I am 33 going on 34 learning how to forgive.  Mainly learning to forgive myself.  Learning how to not say “if only he had…” Or “if only I had…” There is no point in that. Forward is the only way to go…Sigh…. The grief is heavy some days.  The anger and bitterness I fight hour by hour is ridiculous. 

Learning how to love myself.  Learning this is hard.  Loving myself is my current love story.  I know that has to be the strongest foundation before I can ever add another to my love life.  

  

gotta love myself


 

In the meantime I will still wish for a love like George and Mary. Lily and Marshall. DJ and Steve…..

keeping it real

 
I am starting to wonder how much social media does one person or society really need. 

Instagram. ✔️ yep, on it.

Facebook. ✔️ yep, got it.

Twitter. ✔️ signed up.

Pinterest. ✔️✔️✔️ on it, got it and use it. 

Google+. ✔️ I guess I need that too. 

Snapchat. ✔️ um yeah okay.

And now trending Periscope. ✔️ oh hell. 

I know people are using these sites to network. To build communities. To connect. To share etc etc. All great and wonderful things…. To a certain point. 

I wonder though isn’t this just another form of showing people what you only want people to know.  Another way the enemy works his mad skills of distancing people from real life. 

Keeping peoples attention on a camera lens or a small screen. 

How much of this screen time is distracting us from seeing others. Keeping us from being Jesus to people in real life? How much is social media distracting us from His real work? 

We need-

Real friendships.

Real communities. 

We need to have real authentic people who hear you when you are silent.  Who see the tears as they fall.  Who see you smile so big when prayer is answered. Who are around when you trip on your own two feet and point and laugh!

I see the cool things people are putting out there.  Not knocking these videos.  These video messages are amazing.  But when my phone sings a little  tweet sound every few hours from the same people my heart starts to hurt for them too. My phone sings that little song a lot more lately. 

Are they seeking attention? Needing a platform? Maybe.  Maybe they feel this is an easier way to connect without putting in real time or effort.  They are just too busy to plan coffee dates or play dates. Through the camera  they can connect safely.  

Maybe they do this form of communication so they can keep from getting hurt….

Maybe they do it all just because and there is no real motive. They haven’t thought of the time spent on their smart phone.  They see a two minute video as no biggie.  When two minutes is all have you have to give; there is a bigger problem. 

Being “too busy” is a distraction too. 

Maybe it is  just another social media distraction that they have to join to be in the world.  

I see the value in the social networking sites.  But I also see the addiction.  I see people moving away from close knit friendships and more into self serving relationships. I see the social sites distractions that are hurting others. I see people who have really closed off their lives and hearts to others.  It is pathetic.  

I look around coffee shops and water parks and everyone is on their phone; normally on a social media site…..this seems crazy!  Don’t let these sites distract you from real life. People all around you are needing real conversations, real I love yous and real touch.  

I guess just like all things there is a healthy balance. I will say though finding that balance can be difficult.   Post your status updates.  Take a cute picture of your food. Review the latest gas station.  Pin the latest work out.  Periscope your thoughts on world peace.  But then go out in the world.  Put your ass in the ring.  Make some real friends. Make some new friends.  Call a sister. Call your mother.  Take some time to participate in real life.  

You only get one life  .

And NOTHING you read or watch will ever replace that.
❤️KGB 

Not Fine 

  Some days are harder than others. 
Tonight the lies creep in.

The lies come flooding in every few weeks.  The great flood of 2015.  2nd choice flood.  Not worth fighting for flood.  Not enough flood.  The alone for life flood. 

The words come so hard I have to sit on the floor and try to not punch the wall! I swear it feels like I have been sucker punched yet again. 

All of this because I wanted to make some stinking delicious green chile rellenos.  But making rellenos for one just opened a freaking flood gate of emotions.  Do you know how much work those suckers are for one?  Then I think well I don’t have anyone else to make them for! If I did I would do it in a heart beat! I would invite them over! Serve them! Do their laundry while we chatted. 

Seriously I am that much of an idiot! 

That is the problem. 

Reality is it was not the chile that pushed me over the edge.  It just seemed like it was.  

However; it is this shitty attitude of feeling 2nd to everything and everyone right now. 

How or better yet why I am overly eager to do things for others and rearrange my schedule to please others and how I constantly wonder about them- and yet here I am and where are they? Not here crying with me on the floor. 

They are off doing great things that I was (once again) not invited to! 

How do I overcome this? How do I find new friends that want to love me and cherish me? How do I find people who want new friends? Where do I find those who aren’t afraid to invite one more? How do you find friends who see the good, the transparency and find it so awesome that they call! They invite! 

Where are the great people that take notice when I say I am fine when reality is I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again! 

Where are these people who desire true friendships.  Not these fake bullshit play dates and keeping up with Jones family or whoever the trend is today! Where are people who truly want another friend? Where are the ones who can be themselves with you 100% of the time and are grateful to have found that friend! 

My heart gives up. Feeling pretty hopeless. Being everyone’s 2nd choice or back up plan makes me crazy.  Wonder if Jesus ever felt this way?  So for now Jesus and coffee  is my new bff.  Screw people.  For now.  No more will I chase after those who don’t deserve me. 

Bye Felicia. 

❤️KGB