Single 101: Part 3

Part 3

You know I have kids, right?

You might have kids or not have kids. For some of us: this is our season of life right now.  In the last two years, I know 5 moms who have all gotten divorced.  Many of us are starting over in the career world, and the dating world.  With kids.  My kids are not my identity but, um duh, a very huge part of my life.  

I will continue to put their needs 1st before my dating life. 

You need to continue to put your kids first.  My main advice: don’t rely on a new relationship to help you be a better parent. Many people rush into a relationship to make single parenting life easier.  I am sorry but do you want a wife or husband or do you need a nanny?  

You need to be a confident parent on your own before you bring someone new into your life.  

Again, see part 1 and part two. If any of those areas need some work, then maybe dating should wait.  How will you know if the new person will mesh well with your children’s hearts and personality; without knowing if you can be friends first with that person? How can you say you want this person around your kids without knowing if God is in their life?  Do you know if they are financially stable? Do you if you are financially stable? 

Again, you will not notice red flags if you aren’t confident on your own.

I have two kids and want a partner not another child.  I want a partner.  However, having a partner will never come before my kids.  

You already have an existing tribe that you oversee the care of and adding a tribe member is serious.  Yep, you heard me, a tribe. At my house, we have a sign that says: “Our Tribe. Establish 2015. ” Our tribe is exclusive.  My kids have been hurt.  I have been hurt.  Our tribe is re-establishing.  I won’t rush them or myself.  I won’t be selfish and someone go the tribe that will or could possibly hurt us more or cause chaos.  I know that whoever God brings to this tribe will be patient, will not push, and have lots of respect. 

Don’t bring people in without knowing that they have a lasting place in the tribe.  Everyone who is in the tribe has needs that are different.  Right now if all the needs aren’t being met then how can you bring in another?  

The relationship between you and the person your dating should be solid before bringing them to the tribe.  I hope in your new relationship, you can recognize if someone is forcing a relationship on your child or children.  Raise your hand if you have seen another person join a tribe too soon or before the new tribe had re-established itself.   Didn’t it make life 10x harder than it needed to be?  Did it take years to fix?   Did heal or hurt?   If they are overly eager to be in their life or moving too fast; you should be protecting your kids hearts and minds from that craziness.  

Your children are the most important thing.  That is your legacy.  This is your 1st priority.  You will know when the time is right if you are confident in yourself, seeking God for direction and have a solid tribe before you introduce someone new to it.
Again, this is my thoughts.  Things I 100% believe in.  My story is still being written but I won’t settle.  I will protect my tribe.  I am raising a queen and king.  I am getting my shit together.  I won’t apologize for that. 
❤KGB 
 

Single 101: What You Need to Know

Part One

Several serious relationships.  1 Marriage.  1 divorce.  2 Years of being single.  Knowing many married women. Many more single women.  I have learned a lot.  I will not pretend to be a love expert but maybe my walk will help someone else.  My ashes to beauty love story is still in the process of being written, but this is what I know so far, what I have gathered from others and wanted to share.

Being single isn’t the worse thing in life, right?


There once was a young girl who thought being alone would be the worse fate ever.  She would love whoever came into her life.  She would let them say whatever, do whatever; and they would hurt her and would leave.  The process would start all over.  She has since realized being single is not the worst thing in life.  At one time, she would say it with a question mark like Ron Burgundy.  Then slowly she could say it with her voice shaking just a little.  Now she can shout it out on a roof top with full confidence.  Having a person is a want not a need.  I self-talk two things daily: there is nothing wrong with this girl and no man can validate this girl.  I needed another because my heart had holes.  I kept looking for those holes to be filled by (gasp) a man.  I needed my soul to be validated.  I didn’t want a guy; I needed a guy.  I relied on a guy to fix what my heart longed for.  

Well ladies, a man cannot do that.   

Until you can confidently be okay with you, just you and love yourself, how can you let another person love you?  Date yourself.  Know yourself. Care for yourself.  Heal yourself. Get healthy inside and out.

Get your shit together! (Settling, Red flags and Identity)

Settling: okay this topic is hard to sum up in a short blog.  After many Moscow mules lattes, my mind is really processing this term.   How do you know it if you are settling?  Are you settling because you don’t want to be alone?  Or are your expectations too high or too low?  How do you know if you are being realistic?  How do recognize a red flag?  When do you try harder on the relationship because that red flag is just reality and worth working through?  I mean come on relationships are work.  You must work on it, but sometimes there are serious things that you should know to walk away from.

All that boils down to one thought: Get your shit together.  Know yourself.  Your identity should not be wrapped up in another.  You should know what you want in your own life.  Again: You should love yourself.  How can you respect another, love another or let someone know you if you don’t know you?  Your identity can’t depend on another telling you what your identity is.  

If this is you then you will settle because you won’t realize you are settling.  If this is you then you don’t see the red flags even when they are waving fiercely in your face.  You don’t care if they do dreadful things to you, to your friends or family because again you don’t want to be alone.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself for another just to say you have someone or to wear a diamond ring. You won’t be able to tell if a red flag is really a big deal or if the red flag is a minor issue you can work through.

Date yourself so when another enters your life you don’t run on just feelings but wisdom.

Now before any emails come my way that say love is putting another before yourself like Jesus did.  Hear me out: Jesus was confident in himself.  He drew in the sand while others were asking to stone a woman to death!  Jesus made wine at a wedding for his mother and told her to chill.  Read his ashes to beauty life story before you test me on this.  Jesus loved others and could show others love because he loved himselfHe could love himself and others because he loved his fatherHe knew his identity was in God.  So go back to thought 1:  He was single and seemed pretty comfortable with being single.

Loving another and putting their happiness above your own leads you down a path that I personally won’t recommend for anyone.  Definition of love is defined by many people in lots of ways.  However, I heard love is loving another; and that their success and happiness matter just as much as your own.   Equal.  Partners.  Building each other up.

So let that all sink in.  Where are you in this journey?  Maybe going from relationship to relationship!? Or maybe you haven’t dated in while? That’s okay, too.  Don’t fret.  Seek God during this time.  Pick up a new hobby.  Meet some new friends.  Try a new church.  Get your shit together during this season. Maybe you are thinking I just want to be loved. Well, honey, you are.  You are not alone! You are loved.  You are seen, heard, and valuable.  Don’t give in to those thoughts.  Seek Him, so you can be confident on your own. 

Come back tomorrow for part two!  Yes, part two! We have more to cover. ❤KGB 

Proud Of You 

  
Some people heard this all the time while growing up.  

While many others did not.

Sigh. 

We have kids walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance from anything and everything.  Their actions scream “tell me I matter!”

Hell, we have adults walking around asking and looking for approval or acceptance, too. 

I wonder what would happen if this simple statement was said more to everyone (no matter what age) how much it could change our world.  

These 5 simple words rocked some deep wounds in my own heart. 

(Thank you Sid Falco) 

The first time I remember someone saying it to me knocked the snot out of me.  I instantly asked, “For what?!”

The response “…just because…”

I questioned it.  Me?  You are proud of me? What did I do? Are you sure?  Just because? Something in me wonder what did he want? What did he know?  Was I really actually in trouble and this is just the phrase before the “but”.

For a girl who has always felt like she wasn’t worth a crap, ruined everything and sucked at life; hearing these words changed my heart.  These words opened up my mind to just maybe my life mattered and I was not a complete mess.

So many people are walking  around this world asking the wrong things and people “..am I enough? Do I belong? Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Does my life matter? What do I need to do or buy to be accepted?”  

When their hearts and mind don’t hear the right words they are searching for, they go on to the next thing, place or person. 

We walk around with these huge heavy questions for many different reasons but I believe maybe if we might have had (or could have) a few more pat on the backs, a few more “I love you” moments and definitely a few more “I am proud of you” conversations that we would question our self worth less

So what if a few of us got together and started saying more positive things.  What if we said I am proud of you?  I love you.  You are loved.  I see you.  I hear you. Way to go.  What if we said these things a lot more?  Could it change the actions, thoughts or words of others? Could we change our kids?  Could we change some adults? 

I am willing to bet we could. 

So in case you have never heard it.  Hear you go.

I am so stinking proud of you.  I am proud of you just because.  I am proud of you for being you.  I am proud of you for absolutely nothing.  I am proud of you just for being right where you are today.  

You do matter.  You are enough.  You are loved.  You rock.  Keep it up.

 (Insert high five here).

❤️KGB