Wisdom for 2019

Going into 2019 with the weight of the world not on my shoulders is a great feeling.  How did I get there?  With the weight of wisdom piled on instead.

This is what I have learned and the things I will choose for 2019.  Feel free to take what you want to claim for your own life, too.

• I will have productive days by minding my own business.
• I decided on January 1^st it was going to be a good year no matter what happens.
• I will go to the gym, drink my water and deal with the shit in my heart.
• I will trust my next chapter of my life because I truly trust the Author of my life. Spoiler alert: The author is God.
• I will be drawing back from commitments. Closed for spiritual maintenance.
• I am healing, and I am happy because I have realized happiness comes from within. Not a person, place or thing.
• I don’t know what’s next, but I step forward with Grit anchored in Grace.
• I trust good things are coming.
• I will not let others or myself speak ill of others.
• I have permission to be who I was created be.
• I will obsessively grateful.
• I will move, literally.
• I will focus on those who love me and not those who don’t.
• I will whisper  wtf 25 times a day and not 50.
• I set out to be a good a parent before kids and I will remember that I am a damn good mom, even when others don’t.
• I will remember that God wins.
• I will remember that Thomas Jefferson said, “Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain cool and unruffled under all circumstances”.
• I will spend time only with those who make me laugh until I am physically in pain.  They are my favorite kind of people.
• I will make sure those who bring me peace get the most time.
• I will kill painful memories by creating new ones.
• I won’t hold myself hostage to who I use to be or to who someone else thinks I am.
• I will pay attention to others mindset rather than just their looks.
• I will listen to the truest voice and not the loudest voice.
• I know that failure is not final, but a stepping stone.
• I will have confidence in what I know to be true and not how I feel.
• I will not accept shit that I hate.
• I will not create a label because labels create limits.
• I will BOSS UP! I got a dream to chase after.
• I will love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant to be.
• I am flawed but I am still worthy.
• I will keep changing.
• I will keep losing one pound at a time.
• I am excited to write a new story.
• I am going to make everything around me: beautiful.
• I will embrace uncertainty.
• I am not going to prove my worth to people who are determined to find me unworthy.
• I will continue to love God, My children and myself.
• I will put relationship over being right.  NO MORE LAST WORD QUEEN.
• I will let it go or let it be.
• I will not shrink myself to make others comfortable.
• I will not take swimming lessons from drowning people.
• I will chant “why the Fuck not me”.  New life motto!
• I will remember vulnerability is a beautiful strength.
• I am brave and bruised, but I am still beautiful.
• I will follow Isaiah 60:22 and Isaiah 43:19 this year. “For I am about to do something new” & “When the time is right, I will make it happen”

I am excited for this year and I hope you are, too.

 

** In 2018, I started following great leaders and wrote down anything that made my heart jump. I have screen shots, I print them out, I write them in my kid’s books or journals.  So please know these are all words from someone else’s mouth and I changed their words to be a personal mantra in my own life. **

Single 101: Part Two

Part 2

More thoughts and wisdom on being single. 

Sugar Daddy or Momma?

That is funny but let’s be honest.

You should not be with someone because of money.  Money runs out or can go away.  My advice: You should be supporting yourself.  Are you standing on your own two feet?  If they have money or you have money great, but if you are looking for a person with money then you are looking for love to feel a need.  You have clearly missed #1 and #2 (see Part One).  

Money is not the answer to life’s problems.

I wonder if whoever said that had ever been without, but reality is, this statement is true. I would rather know that if anything happens I will still be okay, then one day be out and wonder now what the hell am I going to do.   Oh! Wait I have been there.  I didn’t marry for money. I loved him despite of no money but I did get in a situation that I could not support myself; stupid me.   If you can’t 100% say you are independent then I would say it is time to get there and another reason to be single. 

Where is God in your life?

I need God.  I daily need him.  That means you need him too.  Do you pray? Do you attend church?  Do you worship God and listen to his prompts?  I want to not hear that you do this.  I want to see your life reflect Christ.  I know that no relationship or marriage will sustain without God.  How can I be prepared for a relationship or be ready for a relationship if I don’t daily go to my creator and get poured into.  

How can you be?  

I can’t love another fully if I can’t see through the right lenses.  Grace. Love. Mercy. Self-Control. Patience.  A sound mind.  My heart can’t validate anyone else’s heart, and my heart can only get validation from God.  I don’t want someone draining me every day because they are seeking from the world and seeking God through me.   God must be present in your life.

Are we friends?

Why rush into a dating relationship?  Can you be friends first?  I think this is important.  It is also proven that lasting relationships happen when there was a friendship first and love grew from that.   It seems like it is all or nothing with some men/woman.  

Why is that?

I want someone I know well.  Can I name your mom or sister?  Do we have some crazy story we share?  I know some people think a friendship is just like dating.  Friendships no matter what the outcome you are trying to achieve can look like dating.   However; you will know the difference.  I don’t kiss my friends.  I don’t hold their hands.  There is a level on which some things are going to be saved for a relationship status.  

I once met a great guy.  We were friends, at least, in my mind. I told him from the beginning: I just need to start slow and be friends.  I am not ready to date.  It was fine with him; until he started dating another.   Then my so-called friend no longer called or text.   I know some people think you can’t be friends with another of the opposite sex.  I completely disagree.   

I can assume the worse in this guy or the new girl in his life, but I prefer to think it was just God.  Slow down when you meet someone.  Don’t look to define the relationship right away.  Just be friends.  Have coffee, get to know each other, and let time tell you if this friendship should be more. Let friendship turn into dates! 

So are you self supported? Are you looking for a Godly man?  Are you trying to jump into a relationship or are you trying to be friends first.  

These are important goals to have set in your life before moving into a relationship.  

Stay tune for part 3! ❤ KGB 

Wave After Wave

Photo credit: onebigphoto.com

Dreams of myself on a beach when the evening waves come in is happening nightly.

Seems so peaceful and beautiful.

One wave hits. Then another.  Then another.  Each time getting more forceful.  The sun is setting and darkness is taking over the light dancing on the ocean. 

The force of the waves are strong.  So strong.  Each wave is causing me to stumble.  Each little stumble makes me mind race.  My heart gets a little nervous.  Each wave brings a little uncertainty.  Each wave brings a touch of fear that I am going to get knocked down.

I know how to swim but am I strong enough?  I know how to get back up but will I be able to this time?  How far would that current take me out?  

The waves are no longer refreshing.  They are higher with each hit.  No longer peaceful.

Panic starts to ruin this dream.

But I am frozen.  I don’t move.  I just stand.  I don’t wake up.  I am not sure I want to wake up.  

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10 sings from somewhere in my heart. It gives me courage to not run away. My soul fights to stay a sleep.  It knows something I don’t.  

Each wave is starting to feel like a test.  Each wave is testing my strength.  Testing my trust.  Testing my faith. Each wave starts representing my life.  Joy upon joy.   Sorrow upon sorrow.  Grace up one grace. Hurt upon hurt.   Forgiveness upon forgiveness.  Test upon test.

Happiness upon happiness wave is nowhere to be seen. The tears start to flow.  Even in a dream they are hot and very real.

He is my peace. Ephesians 2:14

Her sins which are many are all forgiven. Luke 7:47

God is with her and she will not fail. Psalm 46:5

The Lord is my bravery and strength.  He will walk me through hard times.  Habakkuk 3:19

These verses are sweetly being declared over my heart, my mind….my body.    My mind screams and my heart aches.  I want to fall to my knees but my knees refuse to bend.  The verses keep coming.  I keep hearing the singing.  My soul keeps me standing.  Drinking in the water from the verses. 

Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us.  Romans 8:37

With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies.  Psalm 60:12

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

My heart starts to cry out.  But God, look at this, look at that, what about that, did you hear that?  The brain chimes in with stupid who, what, when, and where.  The pain. The memories. The evil that is being done and things being said.  The lies.  The hate.  The shame.  How can you keep allowing this to continue.  Who is fighting for me? Who will fight for me? My soul is full.  My soul remains confident.

Your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭20:4‬ ‭

But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. 2 Tim. 4:17

He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Psalm  103:10

Somewhere in all of this the waves stop.  The verses stop.  The singing over me quiets.  The tears keep coming.  I drop on my knees, exhausted, weary, humbled, and wanting to forget.  

When a simple whisper in my ear keeps me from going there.

Trust in the Lord. He will provide new strength. Isaiah 40:31

This time my soul was screaming it.

 The waves start coming again.  I stand.  Confident.  Stronger.  Believing in the possible.  

Faith even as small as a mustard seed taking over.  This feeling brings a smile. I’ll let my soul lead when I wake up.

❤KGB 

over it.

 

 I wish I could say I was over it. 

But I can’t. 

My heart is so overwhelmed.

I try to let go.

I try to not stress. 

I try to not be sad or angry. 

But I do cry. 

But I do want to run away. 

But I do want to throw a fit and scream.

But I just keep going. 

I wake up everyday and keep going.

I really don’t have a choice.

I want to just sit somewhere with a coffee in my hand and watch the sun rise everything morning. 

I want to get over this season.  

I want to just take a deep breath and have peace instead all of this that overwhelms me. 

I want joy to overwhelm me. 

I am over it.

I can’t go backwards .

I wish I could.

Even for all the wrong reasons. 

My kids are so messed up right now. 

It is all my fault. 

My two jobs, suck the life out of me every  single day.  

I did this to myself. 

The feelings of failure, and being punished consume me. 

I am suppose to find the silver lining! 

I am suppose to have a mustard seed of faith. 

I am suppose to think of all the good things and be grateful. 

Right now I just want to be over it. 

God hear my prayer! Hear the desires of my heart! Where are you?! Where are you?!? Where the hell are you?!? Did you leave me?!? The bible says you don’t forsake us! But where are you?!? 

Or are you over it, too? 

Are you over me? 

Are you holding me in your hand? 

Are you covering me with your wing? 

Am I seeing only a fraction of how bad it really could be? 

Or is this just the beginning of a huge storm?  

Oh please God get me over it. 

I May Need Jessie Spano’s Caffine Pills

Most of you get my title.  Some of you may not.  It is a reference to an episode on Saved By The Bell.  I happen to think this is still the Best. Show. Ever. 

  
Here is a clip:Jessie Spano so excited!

So why do I think I need her Caffine pills? There is never enough time!  Seriously.  What I am about to share with y’all is true.  

It may either scare some of you who are contemplating doing life alone.  

It may make some of you more grateful that you don’t do life alone.  

It may make some single moms out there cry knowing they are not alone.  

Whatever it does to you please note I am not complaining; just sharing my season of life right now.

My schedule is crazy.  I officially have decided busy is an understatement! 

  
Here is why: 

There is 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day.  So 168 hours in a week. I know I know…simple math but stay with me gotta set up the word problem.

I have one job I work roughly 40 hours.  

I have another job that I work 25 hours a week.  Some weeks I can do 30.  

It takes me about 20 minutes  to work in the morning and 20 minutes home in the evening. The two jobs are minutes apart.  So drive time I will say each week is 3 hours (probably more but just for good measure).  

So here is the math: 168-40-25-3 equals 100.  Are you tired yet? 

So now I am down to 100 hours.  I sleep about 6 hours a night.  So 42 hours a week I am sleeping or try to sleep.  See my earlier post and you would know I don’t sleep that much. 

So 58 hours a week is what I have left in my time bank.  Which Monday thru Friday I have around 5 hours a day in which I am left trying to fit in: showering, eating, being a mom, laundry, cleaning, cooking, being a friend, going to the gym, etc etc.  

  
Saturday and Sunday there is groceries to be bought.  Work to still be done.  Extra activities to participate in.  This is why I lately I can’t do it all.  Or be it all.  I don’t always get to return phone calls; even text messages.  Or send the perfect email. Or get to do all the fun things I want to do!  Some days I am wanting to put up my feet and watch Netflix all day, but I feel guilty as soon as I even try to rest. 

  
However, I am trying to be excited.  Trying.  Some days I am VERY excited  to see where God takes me.  Excited to be in this season but even more excited to see where this season takes me.  I am grateful for the provision, the strength, the grace and NEW mercy given to me daily.  

Some days I am scared. Very scared. Scared of failing as a mom.  As an employee.  As a friend.  Scared I am going to screw it all up.  Wondering where did my day go? Looking at the clock thinking man will I be able to do that or this today? How will I ever make it through the week? 

One thing for sure is I don’t need Jessie’s pills. 

  
My hope is not trusting caffeine  pills, or red bull or more hours in a day. There is no hope with dope!!! 😁😁😁 

He is my hope. This season may be busy.  However, there is a reason. There is beauty even in all of this.  I just have to trust him.  Ask to see the lesson.  Ask to see the beauty.  Ask for rest.  Ask for my steps to be directed daily so I don’t miss any opportunity.  

So single mommas out there: I raise my glass to you tonight! I am so proud of every single one of you.  Keeping up with the crazy schedules! You go girl! Keep it up! Don’t be scared! He has you! Be excited! Drink that coffee but more importantly be still and know. 

❤️KGB 

Be Still

Written 10/13/12

My view today is so sweet and gorgeous.

He is trying to get my attention. 

Daughter.

I am at a party. Actually a cook off for a friend of mine and really in bad mood. Well, not a bad mood… Sad. I am sad a lot lately.

Daughter.

My kids are running around. Smiling. Throwing huge rocks into a pond. I hope the owners don’t mind.

Daughter…. I hear him. I know He really wants to talk. I really need to talk. I am at a place with no one to talk to. Way out of my comfort zone. But what He wants to discuss…. I just can’t go there.

I can feel this tug of going into a season of isolation. I have heard it. Read it. Dreamed it. And this morning He confirmed it.

Ps. 46:10 “Be still and know I am God.”

Am I not good enough to do ministry? Am I not forgiven? Am I that crazy? Why cant i just fit in? Be like him or her? The questions are flooding my heart and my mind. I feel like crying. Not here. Not now.

Daughter. Is hard to hear. I look at my own kids. They are adorable. One boy. One girl. Not perfect. One is so loud and crazy it can be embarrassing, but only knows how to be a fun silly kid. I love the free spirit. The other is my strong will child, and the leader. Full of joy, laughter and is called to do big things.

No matter what they do or do not do I love them. I want the best for them. They are more then enough. Somedays I am selfish and I want them all to myself. I never get to spend as much time as I want with them. Crazy busy schedules, between work and the oldest in school. I have to share them. I can’t get enough alone time with them. How am I ever going to build up these two? Have a great relationship when I am being pulled in so many directions? When I feel like any minute I could lose it?

I close my eyes and let a few tears fall. I can hear those words…. “Be still and know I am God.”

Daughter.. I want the best for you. You are more than enough. I want you all to myself. No schedule. I need to build you up. Heal you. Free you. Build a relationship. I love the free spirit in you. The leader in you! There is a calling in you. I made you to be a leader.

Daughter. Will you trust me? 

Amazing how He brings you to a beautiful place. With a hundred plus people and talks to you, about the one thing you don’t want to discuss, and using your own kids. Jehovah Sneaky….

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

Seems I am heading into a new season.